Monday, March 03, 2008
Dear Diary,
Don't think it's possible to have yet more apathy for anything. Always felt it was one of those boolean thingies - either you are apathetic or you aren't? But I could be wrong again.
There are a lot of people I talk to. There are very, very few I can really talk with. Unfortunately, I just can't pick these people. And they have this tendency to all need much space. Then again, so do I.
The problem is, I can't really control what they do. I don't even know half the time. And I'm seriously disempowered - I don't want to.
I just don't like being made to bleat (bad play!) for them.
I don't backstab. If I grumble, I would do it to your face. Show it and see.
But I'm going to get some sleep.
Falling down escalators 3 times in one afternoon hurts.
Ouch.
Eve.
There are a lot of people I talk to. There are very, very few I can really talk with. Unfortunately, I just can't pick these people. And they have this tendency to all need much space. Then again, so do I.
The problem is, I can't really control what they do. I don't even know half the time. And I'm seriously disempowered - I don't want to.
I just don't like being made to bleat (bad play!) for them.
I don't backstab. If I grumble, I would do it to your face. Show it and see.
But I'm going to get some sleep.
Falling down escalators 3 times in one afternoon hurts.
Ouch.
Eve.
Labels: fear, feelings, freedom, friend, love, opinion, shoutout
Sunday, February 10, 2008
I'm tired of this. I'm tired of the routine of school. Soon the point will come when I will cease to feel ridiculously guilty for skipping class - right now the main reason why I don't skip is my very strong desire not to be the freeloader in the group. But smu groups expect a ridiculous level of commitment from you. There are too many groups, people, for you to give 110% for all of them. And quite honestly, it's not all worth it.
I'm just drained. As in, I waste too many good concentration hours in group meetings. If I'm going to study, I'm going to study.
I'm still working on draft effing 1.5 of my essay, due this wed (20%), because I'm so blur I can't figure out what I am missing. And if I can't figure it out I can't fit it in. And I can't figure it out because I spent way too much time prepping for my ungraded (GROUP) progress report presentation for tmr morning, and on my 5% leader presentation (GROUP) for tmr afternoon. And on my part of the 10% essay (GROUP) due 10am Tuesday.
And I know if I go blur as I am I won't be much good at the actual presenting, no matter how much I prepped.
Fuck. Think I'll let my brain sleep tonight. Finish the group crap and go to bed at 9.
I'll work on my real essay tmr.
Eve.
PS. What I really want to do, right now, is just pack up a bag and walk off. Walk until there's nothing left but me and the wind. But I'd have to bring my passport for that...Singapore's too crowded.
I'm just drained. As in, I waste too many good concentration hours in group meetings. If I'm going to study, I'm going to study.
I'm still working on draft effing 1.5 of my essay, due this wed (20%), because I'm so blur I can't figure out what I am missing. And if I can't figure it out I can't fit it in. And I can't figure it out because I spent way too much time prepping for my ungraded (GROUP) progress report presentation for tmr morning, and on my 5% leader presentation (GROUP) for tmr afternoon. And on my part of the 10% essay (GROUP) due 10am Tuesday.
And I know if I go blur as I am I won't be much good at the actual presenting, no matter how much I prepped.
Fuck. Think I'll let my brain sleep tonight. Finish the group crap and go to bed at 9.
I'll work on my real essay tmr.
Eve.
PS. What I really want to do, right now, is just pack up a bag and walk off. Walk until there's nothing left but me and the wind. But I'd have to bring my passport for that...Singapore's too crowded.
Labels: crazy, fact, feelings, freedom, future, life, monopoly, pissed, shoutout, sickness
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
I love my friends. Trouble is, I have too many. Competing loyalties. :(
Eve.
Eve.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
"His whole life had been like that, it seemed to him. Saying farewell, escaping, being forgotten; finding himself alone again, with empty hands and a frozen heart." [Herman Hesse : Narcissus and Goldmund]
Pretty sad. Again and again I wonder if that is going to be my fate - because friends do sometimes leave for no reason you can understand. And I won't have bloodkin anymore in a few years, unless I get lucky and meet Mr B, and he wants to convert, marry me and stay here. Funnily enough, I wouldn't mind trading my freedom for someone warm next to me at night.
But anyway, the loss of friends, of the ones I considered soulkin (I'm well aware that what I feel is not always the same) really hurts. Is hard to believe. My life is far from over - I'm somewhere between 25% and 50% through it (although I may of course die at any time by accident). So I can hope they come back.
And I have a ridiculously overactive imagination. The merest name dropped in proximity with that of a friend I lost, makes me perk up, start wondering - after all, a muse, love, master dropped into the life of a friend could be catalyst enough to make them receptive to old ones that they decided to push to the bottom of the pile, or the back of the shelf. (That's my theory on long lost friends - they're still there with you, you just don't seek or read them. Like a bookshelf. :p well. Like my bookshelves. ^_^)
I don't like losing people I love. I have a mommy complex. I like making sure everyone's ok and happy, seeing if I can do anything for them. And fyi, this is not detrimental to any desire I might have to help achieve any world goal. What's the point of helping the villagers advance through education, if the world they advance to is truly not one they'd be happier in? There's a reason why happiness is more common among the poor (surprisingly?). They have family, they have hope. Education now seems to leach hope from you. You'll get sick, according to the statistics. You're probably going to be abandoned by your kids - save up for old age on your own, old man. And again, your kids will be unhappy with the way you raised them - they'll be aware of the
few who did better, but they don't care about your best - they want THE best and you didn't give it to them. You'll have plentiful food - but the food is mostly likely to be horribly bad for you and it will probably make the last ten years of your life painful and riddled with disease.
So. I'll be smiley happy when I feel like it, (most of the time - I am woman! Rawrr. Fear my moods!) I'll make it a point to think of other people too - jeez, that's how you make it possible for other people to think of you. People gave up seats for me sometimes when I was little - I'm just passing it on. I'm probably a very bad person, but that's no reason for me not to try to be good.
And I'm never going to let myself forget. That other person, who cut the line, hit the dog, bombed himself - was a PERSON. Crazy, sick, mean. But those are character traits that even I exhibit sometimes - in milder forms, but still. Can't hate whole nations. Can't hate whole races.
Can't hate.
Hate's a poison that's easy to disguise. Revenge, justice. Torture. Hurt. Tough love - when taken to the extreme it can be an easy way for hate to disguise itself.
I wish no one could ever hate.
Then we'd have more peace in the world, and a world worth working for.
Eve.
Pretty sad. Again and again I wonder if that is going to be my fate - because friends do sometimes leave for no reason you can understand. And I won't have bloodkin anymore in a few years, unless I get lucky and meet Mr B, and he wants to convert, marry me and stay here. Funnily enough, I wouldn't mind trading my freedom for someone warm next to me at night.
But anyway, the loss of friends, of the ones I considered soulkin (I'm well aware that what I feel is not always the same) really hurts. Is hard to believe. My life is far from over - I'm somewhere between 25% and 50% through it (although I may of course die at any time by accident). So I can hope they come back.
And I have a ridiculously overactive imagination. The merest name dropped in proximity with that of a friend I lost, makes me perk up, start wondering - after all, a muse, love, master dropped into the life of a friend could be catalyst enough to make them receptive to old ones that they decided to push to the bottom of the pile, or the back of the shelf. (That's my theory on long lost friends - they're still there with you, you just don't seek or read them. Like a bookshelf. :p well. Like my bookshelves. ^_^)
I don't like losing people I love. I have a mommy complex. I like making sure everyone's ok and happy, seeing if I can do anything for them. And fyi, this is not detrimental to any desire I might have to help achieve any world goal. What's the point of helping the villagers advance through education, if the world they advance to is truly not one they'd be happier in? There's a reason why happiness is more common among the poor (surprisingly?). They have family, they have hope. Education now seems to leach hope from you. You'll get sick, according to the statistics. You're probably going to be abandoned by your kids - save up for old age on your own, old man. And again, your kids will be unhappy with the way you raised them - they'll be aware of the
few who did better, but they don't care about your best - they want THE best and you didn't give it to them. You'll have plentiful food - but the food is mostly likely to be horribly bad for you and it will probably make the last ten years of your life painful and riddled with disease.
So. I'll be smiley happy when I feel like it, (most of the time - I am woman! Rawrr. Fear my moods!) I'll make it a point to think of other people too - jeez, that's how you make it possible for other people to think of you. People gave up seats for me sometimes when I was little - I'm just passing it on. I'm probably a very bad person, but that's no reason for me not to try to be good.
And I'm never going to let myself forget. That other person, who cut the line, hit the dog, bombed himself - was a PERSON. Crazy, sick, mean. But those are character traits that even I exhibit sometimes - in milder forms, but still. Can't hate whole nations. Can't hate whole races.
Can't hate.
Hate's a poison that's easy to disguise. Revenge, justice. Torture. Hurt. Tough love - when taken to the extreme it can be an easy way for hate to disguise itself.
I wish no one could ever hate.
Then we'd have more peace in the world, and a world worth working for.
Eve.
Labels: article, fear, feelings, friend, goals, gripes, love, random stuff, wish
Friday, December 14, 2007
I love my friends. That's probably a bad idea, but hey. They're soulkin. (Note that I have many different definitions of "friend" - the guy I met on wed is a friend but I don't consider him soulkin )
Soulkin. Family of the soul. Like blood families, they can be huge and noisy or small, or medium sized, orphaned or multiparented or whatever.
Hurts when a twin soul goes off alone, but hey. Ka, ya? If he or she is truly twin, he or she will come back. :p Dhan! Cannot wait for sleepover and much gossip. No makeup allowed? Please?
End babble.
Eve.
Soulkin. Family of the soul. Like blood families, they can be huge and noisy or small, or medium sized, orphaned or multiparented or whatever.
Hurts when a twin soul goes off alone, but hey. Ka, ya? If he or she is truly twin, he or she will come back. :p Dhan! Cannot wait for sleepover and much gossip. No makeup allowed? Please?
End babble.
Eve.
Labels: crap, crazy, fear, feelings, friend, love, opinion, random stuff, shoutout
Thursday, December 13, 2007
I made a new friend. Arya Delima - I love her name.
I guess you could call her my muse. She writes, with doggedness if nothing else. She taught me a valuable lesson about setting goals for my writing.
On a side note, there are so many games I wanna play! :( Play with me, please? Not much fun playing by myself. I always know what I'm going to do next, and I always win against me. :s
Eve.
I guess you could call her my muse. She writes, with doggedness if nothing else. She taught me a valuable lesson about setting goals for my writing.
On a side note, there are so many games I wanna play! :( Play with me, please? Not much fun playing by myself. I always know what I'm going to do next, and I always win against me. :s
Eve.
Labels: cool, crazy, feelings, freedom, friend, new thought, nyehnyeeeh, random stuff, shoutout, story
Thursday, December 06, 2007
I personally never found it useful to just ignore something that made me uncomfortable, or delete all traces of it from my life. It often ended up just biting me somewhere painful because I wasn't aware of what was happening with it.
I guess I think I can't make a good decision without knowing all relevant information (and my definition of what's relevant is very wide). The exception being tech stuff - I never found it interesting enough to stay awake through one of the manuals. :s
But not everyone sees things the same way I do, obviously. Some people find it easier to block out everything to do with that event. I don't know if blindly repressing is a good idea, but I certainly don't believe anyone should live in the past. I guess I'm saying that I go over the problem, see it from all the angles I can, see what I can learn from it, then move on. Since I'm moving on, I don't need to avoid the source of the ex-problem.
But then, it only works for me for sure. No one else I know has tried that.
On another note, I'm going to Malacca end dec, with my friends. It certainly won't be what I dreamed of a few short months ago. but it will definitely be fun. And who knows, it may be better this way.
Toodles,
Eve
I guess I think I can't make a good decision without knowing all relevant information (and my definition of what's relevant is very wide). The exception being tech stuff - I never found it interesting enough to stay awake through one of the manuals. :s
But not everyone sees things the same way I do, obviously. Some people find it easier to block out everything to do with that event. I don't know if blindly repressing is a good idea, but I certainly don't believe anyone should live in the past. I guess I'm saying that I go over the problem, see it from all the angles I can, see what I can learn from it, then move on. Since I'm moving on, I don't need to avoid the source of the ex-problem.
But then, it only works for me for sure. No one else I know has tried that.
On another note, I'm going to Malacca end dec, with my friends. It certainly won't be what I dreamed of a few short months ago. but it will definitely be fun. And who knows, it may be better this way.
Toodles,
Eve
Labels: advice, feelings, love, opinion, random stuff, to think about
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Watched Hitman today.
Was kinda funny going to amkhub, alone. The corridor out was a small sad memory. I wish I had the selective amnesia a few people I know have. Well, my gramma had selective hearing and memory too. Maybe I'll develop it soon too.
Hitman was a pretty good show overall! The dialogue was...stilted and cliched. The emotional bits all were, in fact. But the shooting, the combat, the SWORD BATTLE! OMG.
I'd buy the dvd just for that.
The babe, Olga sth, she was pretty hot. But cliched too. 'Specially the naughty bits. Pretty much every stereotypical geekboy's wet dream. Probably the point, though.
The lesson I learn from all these movies is: I gotta become a warrior. Precious few are protected by the big strong heroes, and usually the lady's genetically blessed. Which I am not. And since being caught in crossfire or the aftermath of rapine and looting is so not my thing...
I must become a hero.
And I'll protect babies. Nyeh. No pretty boys, they'll just play with too many girls to keep my insatiable possessive addict nature appeased. Just the happy baby smiles and gurgling. Yes.
Toodles :)
Eve.
Was kinda funny going to amkhub, alone. The corridor out was a small sad memory. I wish I had the selective amnesia a few people I know have. Well, my gramma had selective hearing and memory too. Maybe I'll develop it soon too.
Hitman was a pretty good show overall! The dialogue was...stilted and cliched. The emotional bits all were, in fact. But the shooting, the combat, the SWORD BATTLE! OMG.
I'd buy the dvd just for that.
The babe, Olga sth, she was pretty hot. But cliched too. 'Specially the naughty bits. Pretty much every stereotypical geekboy's wet dream. Probably the point, though.
The lesson I learn from all these movies is: I gotta become a warrior. Precious few are protected by the big strong heroes, and usually the lady's genetically blessed. Which I am not. And since being caught in crossfire or the aftermath of rapine and looting is so not my thing...
I must become a hero.
And I'll protect babies. Nyeh. No pretty boys, they'll just play with too many girls to keep my insatiable possessive addict nature appeased. Just the happy baby smiles and gurgling. Yes.
Toodles :)
Eve.
Labels: feelings, future, love, movies, opinion, wish, worries
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Freee!!!! And loving it.
G'nite ya'll. I'ma gonna shleep now. Momma's chicken is gooooood.
Eve.
G'nite ya'll. I'ma gonna shleep now. Momma's chicken is gooooood.
Eve.
Labels: fact, feelings, freedom, opinion, random stuff
Saturday, November 24, 2007
I have been studying - not as hard as I should but I've been studying.
:P I leave the computer behind. That's the only way I get anything done. And my back hurts not so much now.
But I'm sick *sniff*
I believe that your prettiness comes from your perception of yourself. If you think you are not good enough to be seen, you hunch, stare at the ground, wear shapeless clothing of indeterminate colour, avoid the gazes of other people as far as possible - because they're being critical of you in their head, of course.....
So I try and stand up straight, look people in the eye, etc. The problem is, when I get sick, I don't feel so pretty, and so...I automatically try to hide. The painful sore at my mouth is relly not so noticeable. If the person is looking me straight in the eye and my eyes are as bright as usual, (because I feel whole, and right - Not Because Of The Glasses), then they're not going to notice the sore. It's the same colour as my mouth. :s
Only, if I feel ugly, they can't look me in the eye. I stare at their feet. So they have to stare at my cheek or mouth or whatever. And then...dun dun dunnnn. Like Gobi said. You are in control.
I'm standing up straight today. Not going to skip training. I'm hardly the most eye catching girl anyway - I'm sweet, not hot or pretty. :p If they meant it, then they won't be horrible about the thing that causes me pain when I smile.
Right. Off to class it is! No more hiding.
Eve.
:P I leave the computer behind. That's the only way I get anything done. And my back hurts not so much now.
But I'm sick *sniff*
I believe that your prettiness comes from your perception of yourself. If you think you are not good enough to be seen, you hunch, stare at the ground, wear shapeless clothing of indeterminate colour, avoid the gazes of other people as far as possible - because they're being critical of you in their head, of course.....
So I try and stand up straight, look people in the eye, etc. The problem is, when I get sick, I don't feel so pretty, and so...I automatically try to hide. The painful sore at my mouth is relly not so noticeable. If the person is looking me straight in the eye and my eyes are as bright as usual, (because I feel whole, and right - Not Because Of The Glasses), then they're not going to notice the sore. It's the same colour as my mouth. :s
Only, if I feel ugly, they can't look me in the eye. I stare at their feet. So they have to stare at my cheek or mouth or whatever. And then...dun dun dunnnn. Like Gobi said. You are in control.
I'm standing up straight today. Not going to skip training. I'm hardly the most eye catching girl anyway - I'm sweet, not hot or pretty. :p If they meant it, then they won't be horrible about the thing that causes me pain when I smile.
Right. Off to class it is! No more hiding.
Eve.
Labels: beauty, fear, feelings, freedom, future, random stuff, sickness
Monday, November 19, 2007
I know who I want to be. It was a bit between May and Valerie - both are independent, attractive, smart women, but one, men tend to protect, and the other, they'd take care of if they had to, but she's a warrior in her own right. (My opinions, both.)
I'm going to be like May.
1. Men suck.
2. Treat them like lollipops.
I'll enjoy the taste if I so want, but I'm done with love. It used to enhance and legitimise my lust (gasp! I'm 20. Duh.). Now, the cost is just ridiculous. I refuse to keep paying for years, for the impulses that run through me now. I can enjoy the same tastes day after day - yong tau fu! But. I don't have to pay more than I'm willing ($3.50 for food = the next month for lust) and I just won't.
So now I feel a little cheated. Let false promises of marriage change my mind for me, lost a potentially mind blowing experience. But hey, you can be stupid once without being ashamed.
If it happens again, I'll be more pissed at myself than even Chun Min could be. Haha no more trusting men with the fulfilment of my soul. It may be achieved by pleasing my husband, sure, but if the man doesn't exist, there's another path I can walk. There's always another path. It looks to be capoeira for me and - I'll work at it. I'm not so good yet but hell. I may be slow but I'll get there eventually, if I keep trying.
And the capoeiras were apparently legendary lovers (!) so they were guys. I can be the female equivalent, no? :p
Eve.
I'm going to be like May.
1. Men suck.
2. Treat them like lollipops.
I'll enjoy the taste if I so want, but I'm done with love. It used to enhance and legitimise my lust (gasp! I'm 20. Duh.). Now, the cost is just ridiculous. I refuse to keep paying for years, for the impulses that run through me now. I can enjoy the same tastes day after day - yong tau fu! But. I don't have to pay more than I'm willing ($3.50 for food = the next month for lust) and I just won't.
So now I feel a little cheated. Let false promises of marriage change my mind for me, lost a potentially mind blowing experience. But hey, you can be stupid once without being ashamed.
If it happens again, I'll be more pissed at myself than even Chun Min could be. Haha no more trusting men with the fulfilment of my soul. It may be achieved by pleasing my husband, sure, but if the man doesn't exist, there's another path I can walk. There's always another path. It looks to be capoeira for me and - I'll work at it. I'm not so good yet but hell. I may be slow but I'll get there eventually, if I keep trying.
And the capoeiras were apparently legendary lovers (!) so they were guys. I can be the female equivalent, no? :p
Eve.
Labels: advice, beauty, capoeira, cool, crazy, exam.period, fact, fear, feelings, freedom, future, love, random stuff, sex, to think about
Yet another ring on the tree at9:39 PM
1 Comments:
thank you for your comment in my blog, regarding men and relationships. I'll keep on trying with women. Maybe it is my curse ;)
Make sure you keep on trying too! :)
Kiss
By 
Javier Marti, at
4:24 PM
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
I have a true ability for procrastination.
And I apparently cannot decide on anything.
A lifetime's just too long these days, especially if you live in a safe country like Singapore.
So I just keep my actions in line.
I'm thinking before I talk a lot more. (yay!)
But I dunno. Emancipation's making me grow as a person - I shouldn't get hitched to the first willing Tom that I can stand, but be happy to stand on my own as an individual. And if I did that then I'd probably be working real hard to escape him.
But education pushes back the time frame when I can with good conscience settle down.
I have to graduate first. Then migrate, then meet someone.
It would be unfair to expect anyone to go with me after all. Even if I don't know where exactly yet. (Probably australia.)
And why do I even want someone? To split the housework with? Marriage is no guarantee he'll be faithful. That I already know.
Too many guys are creeps.
But the alternative's either going without, or friends with benefits.
And which friend would I be willing to lose? Given the strange relationship men have with their libido, and the irrationality it imbues them with, I'd have to be willing to lose them. Truth is, most of my guy friends are like bros anyway.
I guess my plan is just sitting and waiting again.
Ka will blow me where it wills.
Eve.
And I apparently cannot decide on anything.
A lifetime's just too long these days, especially if you live in a safe country like Singapore.
So I just keep my actions in line.
I'm thinking before I talk a lot more. (yay!)
But I dunno. Emancipation's making me grow as a person - I shouldn't get hitched to the first willing Tom that I can stand, but be happy to stand on my own as an individual. And if I did that then I'd probably be working real hard to escape him.
But education pushes back the time frame when I can with good conscience settle down.
I have to graduate first. Then migrate, then meet someone.
It would be unfair to expect anyone to go with me after all. Even if I don't know where exactly yet. (Probably australia.)
And why do I even want someone? To split the housework with? Marriage is no guarantee he'll be faithful. That I already know.
Too many guys are creeps.
But the alternative's either going without, or friends with benefits.
And which friend would I be willing to lose? Given the strange relationship men have with their libido, and the irrationality it imbues them with, I'd have to be willing to lose them. Truth is, most of my guy friends are like bros anyway.
I guess my plan is just sitting and waiting again.
Ka will blow me where it wills.
Eve.
Labels: feelings, goals, love, opinion, random stuff, to think about
Thursday, October 11, 2007
I don't know why, I've just felt very liberated on and off this last month.
Pisces usually has an excess of caring and feeling in general(Emo alert!!) and I try to control it. But I'm a Leo ascendant and I don't like being ordered around so much. Although the Pisces loves being all doormatty, I've been told.
Well, anyway I feel good, full and happy.
And I'm going to shower.
Work can wait ^_^
Eve.
Pisces usually has an excess of caring and feeling in general(Emo alert!!) and I try to control it. But I'm a Leo ascendant and I don't like being ordered around so much. Although the Pisces loves being all doormatty, I've been told.
Well, anyway I feel good, full and happy.
And I'm going to shower.
Work can wait ^_^
Eve.
Labels: feelings, new thought