Thursday, April 10, 2008
I should SO be OVER this.
I'm writing it here because I hope this will get the doubt out of my head (Pensieve) where it wastes far too much of my time.
I am a strong, smart, pretty female, with an innate sense of the ridiculous, and a good heart. I am worthy of being loved for myself. I need to listen better, but I do know my place and duty.
I have honour and it is worth more than some random male's momentary gratification, or the dubious satisfaction of being a filial child.
I don't have to be perfect, though it's nice to work towards something.
I am definitely lovable.
Eve.
PS. And I'm NOT cutting my hair this time until I've decided what I really want to do with it.
I'm writing it here because I hope this will get the doubt out of my head (Pensieve) where it wastes far too much of my time.
I am a strong, smart, pretty female, with an innate sense of the ridiculous, and a good heart. I am worthy of being loved for myself. I need to listen better, but I do know my place and duty.
I have honour and it is worth more than some random male's momentary gratification, or the dubious satisfaction of being a filial child.
I don't have to be perfect, though it's nice to work towards something.
I am definitely lovable.
Eve.
PS. And I'm NOT cutting my hair this time until I've decided what I really want to do with it.
Labels: exam.period, grouch, life, love, monopoly, pissed
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
I have a work ethic, at least for written assignments. I expect my work to be reliable and clear.
So I don't work efficiently - I spend a lot of time writing and rewriting and rerewriting.
I'm not very smart.
But I used to be able to take pride in my work.
The brief I submitted today was shit.
Seriously.
I am never going to let any group take time away from my work. I'll become the bad group member - the uncooperative difficult beeyatch - I don't care.
I'm never submitting anything that bad again.
Eve.
I'm really, really sleepy now.
So I don't work efficiently - I spend a lot of time writing and rewriting and rerewriting.
I'm not very smart.
But I used to be able to take pride in my work.
The brief I submitted today was shit.
Seriously.
I am never going to let any group take time away from my work. I'll become the bad group member - the uncooperative difficult beeyatch - I don't care.
I'm never submitting anything that bad again.
Eve.
I'm really, really sleepy now.
Labels: pissed, plan, smusucks, to think about
Sunday, February 10, 2008
I'm tired of this. I'm tired of the routine of school. Soon the point will come when I will cease to feel ridiculously guilty for skipping class - right now the main reason why I don't skip is my very strong desire not to be the freeloader in the group. But smu groups expect a ridiculous level of commitment from you. There are too many groups, people, for you to give 110% for all of them. And quite honestly, it's not all worth it.
I'm just drained. As in, I waste too many good concentration hours in group meetings. If I'm going to study, I'm going to study.
I'm still working on draft effing 1.5 of my essay, due this wed (20%), because I'm so blur I can't figure out what I am missing. And if I can't figure it out I can't fit it in. And I can't figure it out because I spent way too much time prepping for my ungraded (GROUP) progress report presentation for tmr morning, and on my 5% leader presentation (GROUP) for tmr afternoon. And on my part of the 10% essay (GROUP) due 10am Tuesday.
And I know if I go blur as I am I won't be much good at the actual presenting, no matter how much I prepped.
Fuck. Think I'll let my brain sleep tonight. Finish the group crap and go to bed at 9.
I'll work on my real essay tmr.
Eve.
PS. What I really want to do, right now, is just pack up a bag and walk off. Walk until there's nothing left but me and the wind. But I'd have to bring my passport for that...Singapore's too crowded.
I'm just drained. As in, I waste too many good concentration hours in group meetings. If I'm going to study, I'm going to study.
I'm still working on draft effing 1.5 of my essay, due this wed (20%), because I'm so blur I can't figure out what I am missing. And if I can't figure it out I can't fit it in. And I can't figure it out because I spent way too much time prepping for my ungraded (GROUP) progress report presentation for tmr morning, and on my 5% leader presentation (GROUP) for tmr afternoon. And on my part of the 10% essay (GROUP) due 10am Tuesday.
And I know if I go blur as I am I won't be much good at the actual presenting, no matter how much I prepped.
Fuck. Think I'll let my brain sleep tonight. Finish the group crap and go to bed at 9.
I'll work on my real essay tmr.
Eve.
PS. What I really want to do, right now, is just pack up a bag and walk off. Walk until there's nothing left but me and the wind. But I'd have to bring my passport for that...Singapore's too crowded.
Labels: crazy, fact, feelings, freedom, future, life, monopoly, pissed, shoutout, sickness
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
SO.
I still haven't started working out.
Even though today's been sunny - I'm afraid I'll jinx it and it'll start raining. But I'm still aiming for a 3kg loss by the end of the hols - only missed a week. Still got plenty more. And I'm training 4 times a weeks this week too, so not totally slacking.
I don't know why, though, I've been hungry all day, nonstop, for the last two days. No matter what or how much I eat. Meat or veggies or fruit - I just keep eating. But I can feel the hard muscle in my body, *drool* beneath my fat. So I just wanna lose some of the fat so everyone else will drool too *likemay!!* but... I still got a month.
Sadly, self esteem is ding donging. I hate not having information and not being able to get it. I can't decide well on less than good information and right now I just need to talk to one bloody person with one huge dose of veritaserum and find out what's going on.
Btw I really am a packrat - there are ten pairs of jeans in my closet, (time to clean it out?) all hand-me-downs from my cousins that I will no longer wear - that crack about me being homely and looking like an 18th century house wife stung. Even though it's been nearly two years.
So I'm probably chopping my hair in jan again. I can't pull off sophisticated. But I'm gonna try this month - it might be nice to look untouchable because I'm too good rather than untouchable because I look kiddy (explains why the old dudes look at me tho').
Hmm I love capoeira. I never get so angry I want to kill anymore. I never give up because I think I can't do it - I try. Maybe not as hard as I could but I think it's an improvement over one year ago. I'll work on improving. Like that muscle book I bought. May not implement it now. But I will read it, and when I decide to implement the program I won't quit. It's a two year thing, to REALLY build up your body. All I wanted was to get stronger, so it's like a college level module when I wanted to learn my letters or sth.
But eventually I'm going to need a body like that to do the moves - see Boon, Silvio, Mestre... So eventually it will be implemented. Didn't waste daddy's money. :p
I'm still sort of mad at a particular person, but mostly because I thought better of them. But then, I tend to think most men are men. Not cowards or babies in the bodies of men. Not twisted psychos hiding under a kindly face. So's my fault I guess.
Sigh I wish I could cut out my libido or heart or whatever it is that causes me to care about a potential mate. Quite funny - if I stop believing he exists, but it is predetermined, then he will be as empty as me. But I really don't think such men exist. I think most men would cheat if they could get away with it. Or just give her as bad a deal as possible. Not all! Just most.
But I can't really believe that. As in, it's a thought that recurs, but when I deal with guys I don't see ASSHOLE tattooed on their faces. They're more than their thingies.
Just need to be fair? I'd hate to be treated like a womb or a pair of breasts?
Ah whatever.
Eve.
I still haven't started working out.
Even though today's been sunny - I'm afraid I'll jinx it and it'll start raining. But I'm still aiming for a 3kg loss by the end of the hols - only missed a week. Still got plenty more. And I'm training 4 times a weeks this week too, so not totally slacking.
I don't know why, though, I've been hungry all day, nonstop, for the last two days. No matter what or how much I eat. Meat or veggies or fruit - I just keep eating. But I can feel the hard muscle in my body, *drool* beneath my fat. So I just wanna lose some of the fat so everyone else will drool too *likemay!!* but... I still got a month.
Sadly, self esteem is ding donging. I hate not having information and not being able to get it. I can't decide well on less than good information and right now I just need to talk to one bloody person with one huge dose of veritaserum and find out what's going on.
Btw I really am a packrat - there are ten pairs of jeans in my closet, (time to clean it out?) all hand-me-downs from my cousins that I will no longer wear - that crack about me being homely and looking like an 18th century house wife stung. Even though it's been nearly two years.
So I'm probably chopping my hair in jan again. I can't pull off sophisticated. But I'm gonna try this month - it might be nice to look untouchable because I'm too good rather than untouchable because I look kiddy (explains why the old dudes look at me tho').
Hmm I love capoeira. I never get so angry I want to kill anymore. I never give up because I think I can't do it - I try. Maybe not as hard as I could but I think it's an improvement over one year ago. I'll work on improving. Like that muscle book I bought. May not implement it now. But I will read it, and when I decide to implement the program I won't quit. It's a two year thing, to REALLY build up your body. All I wanted was to get stronger, so it's like a college level module when I wanted to learn my letters or sth.
But eventually I'm going to need a body like that to do the moves - see Boon, Silvio, Mestre... So eventually it will be implemented. Didn't waste daddy's money. :p
I'm still sort of mad at a particular person, but mostly because I thought better of them. But then, I tend to think most men are men. Not cowards or babies in the bodies of men. Not twisted psychos hiding under a kindly face. So's my fault I guess.
Sigh I wish I could cut out my libido or heart or whatever it is that causes me to care about a potential mate. Quite funny - if I stop believing he exists, but it is predetermined, then he will be as empty as me. But I really don't think such men exist. I think most men would cheat if they could get away with it. Or just give her as bad a deal as possible. Not all! Just most.
But I can't really believe that. As in, it's a thought that recurs, but when I deal with guys I don't see ASSHOLE tattooed on their faces. They're more than their thingies.
Just need to be fair? I'd hate to be treated like a womb or a pair of breasts?
Ah whatever.
Eve.
Labels: appearance, article, love, opinion, pissed, to think about, update
Friday, December 07, 2007
Stooped to changing my password because someone's been in my email account. Some of my stuff's been deleted - anathema! I hoard. Pack rat genes someplace. Or squirrel.
Keep everything whether i'll need it or not. Who knows, I might one day.
Asshole.
Eve.
Keep everything whether i'll need it or not. Who knows, I might one day.
Asshole.
Eve.
Labels: article, crap, crazy, fact, pissed
