Saturday, November 24, 2007
I have been studying - not as hard as I should but I've been studying.
:P I leave the computer behind. That's the only way I get anything done. And my back hurts not so much now.
But I'm sick *sniff*
I believe that your prettiness comes from your perception of yourself. If you think you are not good enough to be seen, you hunch, stare at the ground, wear shapeless clothing of indeterminate colour, avoid the gazes of other people as far as possible - because they're being critical of you in their head, of course.....
So I try and stand up straight, look people in the eye, etc. The problem is, when I get sick, I don't feel so pretty, and so...I automatically try to hide. The painful sore at my mouth is relly not so noticeable. If the person is looking me straight in the eye and my eyes are as bright as usual, (because I feel whole, and right - Not Because Of The Glasses), then they're not going to notice the sore. It's the same colour as my mouth. :s
Only, if I feel ugly, they can't look me in the eye. I stare at their feet. So they have to stare at my cheek or mouth or whatever. And then...dun dun dunnnn. Like Gobi said. You are in control.
I'm standing up straight today. Not going to skip training. I'm hardly the most eye catching girl anyway - I'm sweet, not hot or pretty. :p If they meant it, then they won't be horrible about the thing that causes me pain when I smile.
Right. Off to class it is! No more hiding.
Eve.
:P I leave the computer behind. That's the only way I get anything done. And my back hurts not so much now.
But I'm sick *sniff*
I believe that your prettiness comes from your perception of yourself. If you think you are not good enough to be seen, you hunch, stare at the ground, wear shapeless clothing of indeterminate colour, avoid the gazes of other people as far as possible - because they're being critical of you in their head, of course.....
So I try and stand up straight, look people in the eye, etc. The problem is, when I get sick, I don't feel so pretty, and so...I automatically try to hide. The painful sore at my mouth is relly not so noticeable. If the person is looking me straight in the eye and my eyes are as bright as usual, (because I feel whole, and right - Not Because Of The Glasses), then they're not going to notice the sore. It's the same colour as my mouth. :s
Only, if I feel ugly, they can't look me in the eye. I stare at their feet. So they have to stare at my cheek or mouth or whatever. And then...dun dun dunnnn. Like Gobi said. You are in control.
I'm standing up straight today. Not going to skip training. I'm hardly the most eye catching girl anyway - I'm sweet, not hot or pretty. :p If they meant it, then they won't be horrible about the thing that causes me pain when I smile.
Right. Off to class it is! No more hiding.
Eve.
Labels: beauty, fear, feelings, freedom, future, random stuff, sickness
Monday, November 19, 2007
I know who I want to be. It was a bit between May and Valerie - both are independent, attractive, smart women, but one, men tend to protect, and the other, they'd take care of if they had to, but she's a warrior in her own right. (My opinions, both.)
I'm going to be like May.
1. Men suck.
2. Treat them like lollipops.
I'll enjoy the taste if I so want, but I'm done with love. It used to enhance and legitimise my lust (gasp! I'm 20. Duh.). Now, the cost is just ridiculous. I refuse to keep paying for years, for the impulses that run through me now. I can enjoy the same tastes day after day - yong tau fu! But. I don't have to pay more than I'm willing ($3.50 for food = the next month for lust) and I just won't.
So now I feel a little cheated. Let false promises of marriage change my mind for me, lost a potentially mind blowing experience. But hey, you can be stupid once without being ashamed.
If it happens again, I'll be more pissed at myself than even Chun Min could be. Haha no more trusting men with the fulfilment of my soul. It may be achieved by pleasing my husband, sure, but if the man doesn't exist, there's another path I can walk. There's always another path. It looks to be capoeira for me and - I'll work at it. I'm not so good yet but hell. I may be slow but I'll get there eventually, if I keep trying.
And the capoeiras were apparently legendary lovers (!) so they were guys. I can be the female equivalent, no? :p
Eve.
I'm going to be like May.
1. Men suck.
2. Treat them like lollipops.
I'll enjoy the taste if I so want, but I'm done with love. It used to enhance and legitimise my lust (gasp! I'm 20. Duh.). Now, the cost is just ridiculous. I refuse to keep paying for years, for the impulses that run through me now. I can enjoy the same tastes day after day - yong tau fu! But. I don't have to pay more than I'm willing ($3.50 for food = the next month for lust) and I just won't.
So now I feel a little cheated. Let false promises of marriage change my mind for me, lost a potentially mind blowing experience. But hey, you can be stupid once without being ashamed.
If it happens again, I'll be more pissed at myself than even Chun Min could be. Haha no more trusting men with the fulfilment of my soul. It may be achieved by pleasing my husband, sure, but if the man doesn't exist, there's another path I can walk. There's always another path. It looks to be capoeira for me and - I'll work at it. I'm not so good yet but hell. I may be slow but I'll get there eventually, if I keep trying.
And the capoeiras were apparently legendary lovers (!) so they were guys. I can be the female equivalent, no? :p
Eve.
Labels: advice, beauty, capoeira, cool, crazy, exam.period, fact, fear, feelings, freedom, future, love, random stuff, sex, to think about
Yet another ring on the tree at9:39 PM
1 Comments:
thank you for your comment in my blog, regarding men and relationships. I'll keep on trying with women. Maybe it is my curse ;)
Make sure you keep on trying too! :)
Kiss
By 
Javier Marti, at
4:24 PM
Sunday, November 18, 2007
*Yes, it's exam period, yes, I'm running on way too little sleep, yes, I'm trying not to revise. Since I am continually surprised by the fact that people actually READ this :p The note here is to say this is probably crap and you may skip it entirely. :)*
I'm a bit slow. There are just a few lessons I hate learning. But I have to, or I'm just going to be silly again. I want to be a woman, not a girl.
The one I keep being taught, and hate most - don't trust men. Not that all men will lie to you and use you or break your heart. They just don't speak the same language. They can say exactly the same words and mean something so different... Don't trust them. Not that you don't talk to them or anything but I think I will have to keep something back. Wholehearted trust is just too stupid a concept anyway. The only ones who can get away with it are the children and the helpless, and I'm neither. And even they get betrayed too often.
Looks matter - I'll never be naturally beautiful. But while I know I should not trust men so much, I also like them. They feel nice, smell good, and are interesting to talk to simply because they are so different. And they go for the pretty ones like the obedient little bees they are. So yes, I reaffirm the pretty like a flower strat - smell sweet, feel soft, look bright. But I also need some spice. I'm not going to be just sweet forever. Haha from teh tarik to masala tea I guess. I've got to burn off all the excess fat, so I can wear tight stuff. Can't make the boobs grow, but I can grow my hair (don't know if that's feasible or not yet but I don't feel like chopping it short again yet). I think I need to go veg two days a week. That really helps, because meat I don't need so much - I just like its taste - not a good enough reason to eat it. Plus I can't cook it, raw meat...grosses me out. I'm going to be eating a lot more veg in the future....so why not start practising now? Haha I'm never going to be pretty but I can be a nicer alternative than I am right now. All the rejects that bounce over to me will be thankful for this. Even for the duration of the half hour conversation.
Yeah I'm a bit cynical. I'm plump, my hair never goes where I want it to go, I wear glasses and I haven't slept properly for a while so my skin ain't glowing much. (Got too used to arms around me.) To move myself out of this buddy-littlesis-reject status of mine, I'm going to have to lose the weight (tough for a comfort eater). Only the little bulge that hides my budding six pack, and my cheeks (once they drank some, I kept getting pinched! And my head rubbed. I don't mind head rubs but no more cheek pinching, they're going to disappear. By the end of next year. I'm gonna be 21, I'm tired of it!) are really the problem - the rest have their fans :p well, my butt, anyway. Some guys do like big butts. And I'm going to start sleeping again - I may keep falling off that horse but I like horsies so I'm getting right back on. And Ligeirinho is right, I need contacts, since I can't afford Lasik. I can't SEE. I nearly hit him I dunno how many times.
If I get hot *LOL* a lot of things will change. I remember when I used to think I could sing (someone has since showed me I can't, but people are trying to tell me otherwise again) - I'd just belt it out and be happy. Now I'll only sing coro, and only because I'd get in trouble if I didn't. I hear myself, when no one else can hear me, and it's ok. If anyone else is there, I cannot.
Same with dancing. I've got 6 left feet, not two. But I used to think I could dance okay. Then I met Luke and Piaba and since then I won't. It just looks stupid, gives people something to laugh at (objectively, I know that just because they're really good doesn't nec make my ability null but truth is I never realised I was so horrible until...haha.) Watching everyone dance was fun. I'm not going to dance unless the floor is so crowded no one can see me (never at birthday parties - the floor is never that crowded) but it's no loss. But IF I stop jiggling in funny places, maybe I won't look so bad. So that might change if I lost weight. :p
Yeah and my plan for the hair is to grow it and use whatever thingy people tell me to I guess. And I'll braid it. At least til Jan. That way I don't have to decide what to do with it for a couple more months. I actually want to chop it boy short, because I kept it shoulder length because of what a guy said. And I kept short cuz of what a guy said. Both guys are idiots, so I may have to start listening to what girls say but...most girls will not be totally honest. As in, they don't even think about it, it's an automatic, babe, it looks cool, it *the crazy mad scientist windblown look* suits you! Haha I guess I'm just not the nice looking type, though I look nice enough to be asked endlessly for directions *LOL* and change. Maybe I should stop giving random people bus money. But my dad gives me the money so I guess it's him giving random people bus money. He's a good man, is my da.
Anyway, if I'm not hot my next batizado - my name means sweet. No one is going to scold me for liking sweets. Not even mestre. :) Hey! This worked, I'm happy again. Bitching is fun. Yes. I'm hiiiiiigh. Always.
OK! Third and last lesson then I need to go for class.
There are no knights. I know that's an archaic term, but even now the concept exists. The boy will protect you, defend your honour, keep you safe, love you. *Cough cough* Noooooo...see, this doesn't happen. A pretty girl needs more than one boy to play knight, because there will be more than one evil villain male person looking to do stuff to her. If it's approx 50-50 world wide, the pretty girls take up a larger portion of men than is their fair share. Girls like me are secondary.If a guy happens to be free atm and feels like some gratitude he might try and help me out. But... I can't count on them.
I keep trying to get stronger. I really am not, though. Pathetic, but I was terrified when I realised that hard as I was punching him (it got serious about 5 minutes after the teasing started -_-" I need to get a grip) it didn't hurt at all. And I was stronger then. Lost some muscle lately. I guess I need something horrible to really happen to me before I can get into it...right now it seems a little paranoid to all out train for power. There's this idea that because I'm not pretty and I don't know how to flirt (it's another joke to see me try. And it just annoyed the guy. Great.) I won't be a target, which is stupid. If they were going to do it in a dark deserted place then they wouldn't have to see anything anyway. Grab, Rip, Stick it in, Repeat/Not. Run.
And this isn't a book, there are no heroes for a girl like me. I guess I have to keep trying. T minus 1 year? That should be doable...
Hope nothing happens in the next year.
Eve.
I'm a bit slow. There are just a few lessons I hate learning. But I have to, or I'm just going to be silly again. I want to be a woman, not a girl.
The one I keep being taught, and hate most - don't trust men. Not that all men will lie to you and use you or break your heart. They just don't speak the same language. They can say exactly the same words and mean something so different... Don't trust them. Not that you don't talk to them or anything but I think I will have to keep something back. Wholehearted trust is just too stupid a concept anyway. The only ones who can get away with it are the children and the helpless, and I'm neither. And even they get betrayed too often.
Looks matter - I'll never be naturally beautiful. But while I know I should not trust men so much, I also like them. They feel nice, smell good, and are interesting to talk to simply because they are so different. And they go for the pretty ones like the obedient little bees they are. So yes, I reaffirm the pretty like a flower strat - smell sweet, feel soft, look bright. But I also need some spice. I'm not going to be just sweet forever. Haha from teh tarik to masala tea I guess. I've got to burn off all the excess fat, so I can wear tight stuff. Can't make the boobs grow, but I can grow my hair (don't know if that's feasible or not yet but I don't feel like chopping it short again yet). I think I need to go veg two days a week. That really helps, because meat I don't need so much - I just like its taste - not a good enough reason to eat it. Plus I can't cook it, raw meat...grosses me out. I'm going to be eating a lot more veg in the future....so why not start practising now? Haha I'm never going to be pretty but I can be a nicer alternative than I am right now. All the rejects that bounce over to me will be thankful for this. Even for the duration of the half hour conversation.
Yeah I'm a bit cynical. I'm plump, my hair never goes where I want it to go, I wear glasses and I haven't slept properly for a while so my skin ain't glowing much. (Got too used to arms around me.) To move myself out of this buddy-littlesis-reject status of mine, I'm going to have to lose the weight (tough for a comfort eater). Only the little bulge that hides my budding six pack, and my cheeks (once they drank some, I kept getting pinched! And my head rubbed. I don't mind head rubs but no more cheek pinching, they're going to disappear. By the end of next year. I'm gonna be 21, I'm tired of it!) are really the problem - the rest have their fans :p well, my butt, anyway. Some guys do like big butts. And I'm going to start sleeping again - I may keep falling off that horse but I like horsies so I'm getting right back on. And Ligeirinho is right, I need contacts, since I can't afford Lasik. I can't SEE. I nearly hit him I dunno how many times.
If I get hot *LOL* a lot of things will change. I remember when I used to think I could sing (someone has since showed me I can't, but people are trying to tell me otherwise again) - I'd just belt it out and be happy. Now I'll only sing coro, and only because I'd get in trouble if I didn't. I hear myself, when no one else can hear me, and it's ok. If anyone else is there, I cannot.
Same with dancing. I've got 6 left feet, not two. But I used to think I could dance okay. Then I met Luke and Piaba and since then I won't. It just looks stupid, gives people something to laugh at (objectively, I know that just because they're really good doesn't nec make my ability null but truth is I never realised I was so horrible until...haha.) Watching everyone dance was fun. I'm not going to dance unless the floor is so crowded no one can see me (never at birthday parties - the floor is never that crowded) but it's no loss. But IF I stop jiggling in funny places, maybe I won't look so bad. So that might change if I lost weight. :p
Yeah and my plan for the hair is to grow it and use whatever thingy people tell me to I guess. And I'll braid it. At least til Jan. That way I don't have to decide what to do with it for a couple more months. I actually want to chop it boy short, because I kept it shoulder length because of what a guy said. And I kept short cuz of what a guy said. Both guys are idiots, so I may have to start listening to what girls say but...most girls will not be totally honest. As in, they don't even think about it, it's an automatic, babe, it looks cool, it *the crazy mad scientist windblown look* suits you! Haha I guess I'm just not the nice looking type, though I look nice enough to be asked endlessly for directions *LOL* and change. Maybe I should stop giving random people bus money. But my dad gives me the money so I guess it's him giving random people bus money. He's a good man, is my da.
Anyway, if I'm not hot my next batizado - my name means sweet. No one is going to scold me for liking sweets. Not even mestre. :) Hey! This worked, I'm happy again. Bitching is fun. Yes. I'm hiiiiiigh. Always.
OK! Third and last lesson then I need to go for class.
There are no knights. I know that's an archaic term, but even now the concept exists. The boy will protect you, defend your honour, keep you safe, love you. *Cough cough* Noooooo...see, this doesn't happen. A pretty girl needs more than one boy to play knight, because there will be more than one evil villain male person looking to do stuff to her. If it's approx 50-50 world wide, the pretty girls take up a larger portion of men than is their fair share. Girls like me are secondary.If a guy happens to be free atm and feels like some gratitude he might try and help me out. But... I can't count on them.
I keep trying to get stronger. I really am not, though. Pathetic, but I was terrified when I realised that hard as I was punching him (it got serious about 5 minutes after the teasing started -_-" I need to get a grip) it didn't hurt at all. And I was stronger then. Lost some muscle lately. I guess I need something horrible to really happen to me before I can get into it...right now it seems a little paranoid to all out train for power. There's this idea that because I'm not pretty and I don't know how to flirt (it's another joke to see me try. And it just annoyed the guy. Great.) I won't be a target, which is stupid. If they were going to do it in a dark deserted place then they wouldn't have to see anything anyway. Grab, Rip, Stick it in, Repeat/Not. Run.
And this isn't a book, there are no heroes for a girl like me. I guess I have to keep trying. T minus 1 year? That should be doable...
Hope nothing happens in the next year.
Eve.
Labels: beauty, goals, opinion, to think about, wish, worries
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
The Science of Orgonomy
Google it.
Hmm I always wondered if there was sth that could be done with excess sexual tension. Since I never get any - and even when I do - I apparently am a very physical person - I crackle with static after I get hot awhile.
Probably sth to do with all the hair. Hmm that means all the special conditioners in the world aren't going to make it stop with the standing up thing.
Maybe I should invest in gel and go skinhead.
And in my lifetime, someone will invent one of those weird mind connecting helmets.
Then ya'll can share my dream with me.
You'll smell flowers you never dreamed of.
Eve.
Google it.
Hmm I always wondered if there was sth that could be done with excess sexual tension. Since I never get any - and even when I do - I apparently am a very physical person - I crackle with static after I get hot awhile.
Probably sth to do with all the hair. Hmm that means all the special conditioners in the world aren't going to make it stop with the standing up thing.
Maybe I should invest in gel and go skinhead.
And in my lifetime, someone will invent one of those weird mind connecting helmets.
Then ya'll can share my dream with me.
You'll smell flowers you never dreamed of.
Eve.
Labels: appearance, beauty, future, opinion, sex, trivia, wish
Sunday, September 16, 2007
http://bonehead.oddballs.com/NobodyElse.html
You should really watch this, ladies and gents.
And I should really relearn how to link stuff.
:)
Eve.
You should really watch this, ladies and gents.
And I should really relearn how to link stuff.
:)
Eve.
Labels: beauty