Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I admit it.
I have an addictive personality.
I get addicted to things (my jade pendant), tastes (teh tarik from the nice uncle next to Courts), smells (duh), and states of being (content/lazy).
As such, I decided to have a procedure to deal with my addictions when they go too far beyond endearing eccentricities (this is what Ben is for.)
So.
Wikied the 12 step program. The article listed the following stages:
- admitting that one cannot control one's addiction or compulsion;
- recognizing a greater power that can give strength;
- examining past errors with the help of a sponsor (experienced member);
- making amends for these errors;
- learning to live a new life with a new code of behavior;
- helping others that suffer from the same addictions or compulsions.
I admit to everything. Even crimes that would only be committed if I end up mentally unstable due to, like a miscarriage, and then a hideous crime (one in four prob. that it'll happen to me) is committed on me. And I manage to make myself a force to be reckoned with before all that.
And the greater power is not God but the Fates. I have a weird relationship with destiny - argue with it, and threaten it with my disbelief (HAR-HAR) and knock on wood (or paper) like clockwork. Bet I'm a small joke to them. And there's yoga, now, to teach me how to make myself one with the world which is a gazillion times more powerful than me, and that just keeps giving. Check.
Now, I don't usually have sponsors or mentors. The role models in my life are kind of like Guru. Most will be a beacon of inspiration, but they won't actively teach me anything and they sure as hell hate explaining themselves. But if I go anal on what I know of them with a fine tooth comb, in the end, the knot with be caught, I will be somewhat enlightened and I will desnaggle it into reverent neatness.
I'm a compulsive helper too. Busybodying is a runs in my blood. That's why we have so many lawyers in the family (It's talking too much, loudandfast? A Bagoo. Stuff a laddoo in its mouth - if it's a girl, replace with a tomato).
Point was: I have little problem only with making amends. The people just won't talk to me. Or acknowledge my existence and error and apologetic acts!! I'm stuck, thus. Still. And forever.
Gah.
Goodnight.
Eve.
Labels: advice, goals, new thought, opinion
Thursday, January 10, 2008
If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.
Einstein again, and this is not what they're teaching us in LRW. Elegance in simple, clear terms, they're looking for.
Eve.
Labels: new thought, quotes
Thursday, December 13, 2007
I made a new friend. Arya Delima - I love her name.
I guess you could call her my muse. She writes, with doggedness if nothing else. She taught me a valuable lesson about setting goals for my writing.
On a side note, there are so many games I wanna play! :( Play with me, please? Not much fun playing by myself. I always know what I'm going to do next, and I always win against me. :s
Eve.
Labels: cool, crazy, feelings, freedom, friend, new thought, nyehnyeeeh, random stuff, shoutout, story
Monday, November 19, 2007
Becoming famous, definitely not notorious.
Not a wish of mine, but I just remembered, a friend once was pretty set on that.
Thing is, notoriety comes from your actions. If you don't control them so well, they affect others in ways you do not (or cannot) foresee - well, then you'll end up being talked about, won't you? Just hope you affect them for good - or you'd really be notorious.
Some days, I'm glad to be insignificant.
Eve
Labels: exam.period, new thought, random stuff
Monday, November 12, 2007
Thanks to Prof Tan, (he was really right about fallacies popping up all over the place once you first hear about them) - this* is an appeal to popularity I believe.
Just because there are other people with the same problem does not make it less of a problem.
But at least labelling yourselves, and admitting it helps.
Eve.
Ps. I am a potentially anxious manic depressive with hints of OCD.
*http://www.randsinrepose.com/archives/2007/11/11/the_nerd_handbook.html
PPS.As you discovered when you were the project, your nerd’s focus can be deliciously overwhelming, but it will stop. Once a nerd believe he fully knows how a system works, the challenge to understand ceases to exist and he moves on in search of The Next High.
While I don’t know who you are or why in the world you chose a nerd for your companion, I do know that you are not a knowable system. I know that you are messy, just like your nerd. Being your own quirky self will be more than enough to present new and interesting challenges to your nerd.
Besides, it’s just as much a nerd’s job to figure you out and maybe someone somewhere is writing an article about your particular quirks. Good news, he’s probably reading it right now.
Haha but I think they'd end up making snap judgments and dismissing it if they have too many projects on hand and you aren't at the top of the relevance heap (for the moment or ever).I think I need to know fewer nerds. Or more normal people. Or....nvm.
Labels: exam.period, new thought, opinion, random stuff, trivia
Friday, November 09, 2007
A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it.
--Einstein
And if I'd heard this earlier, I would be so much happier now.
But there is the rest of my life! And my natural inclination to procrastination. I will honor thy advice, O great one.
Eve
Labels: advice, exam.period, new thought, quotes, wish
Saturday, November 03, 2007
" The success of love is in the loving- it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done". Mother Teresa
A happy man is too satisfied with the present to dwell too much on the future. -- Einstein
Well, it seems as if both are true. But love is destructive too.
I just finished reading the Dark tower series - except for book 6, which I cannot find...
Ka is a wheel. That's the whole essence of it. Things may be slightly different each cycle but fate always wins out.
What you fight for, what you kill for, what you refuse to die for may be just the fighting and killing and stubborn refusal to die.
In the end, is a man (or woman) who looks to the future, capable of being satisfied in the present? I always thought so. I go into the possible futures - and problems - probably because I suffer from some form of anxiety (yes, guys, I will cut down on coffee - really! Promise. cross my fingers and hope to die.)
But also because I really love my present. When I am happy, then I look forward so I can stay happy - only that seems to make other people unhappy, so maybe I should just stop.
When I'm unhappy in the present I don't look to futures at all. I make worlds in my head, I craft stories and movies that only I can enjoy - from their nature and from my inability to put them into a form anyone else can comprehend - and I go visit there whenever I can.
That's probably not healthy either.
There was a compulsory talk yesterday - Dr Nagulendran spoke to us all, about psychiatry and law. From his brief explanations I can say that I may suffer from more than a few mood disorders. And that I know one potential psychopath, at the very least (not me, this - apparently psychopaths suffer from a character defect such that their judgement is shot and they don't feel the way normal people do.) Hence the talk of nutcases.
Only thing is, there's always something you can find about yourself that is wrong according to some doctor or book or person somewhere. I decided to cut the coffee and work on my anxiety not because I think I may be unwell but because - I know I'm jittery. Loud sounds make me jump. I cannot keep a beat very long because my hand jerks.
So I'm cutting coffee. I didn't have a sip yesterday and I crashed at 10pm. Until this morning.
Not going cold turkey but I'm going back to the four cuppas a week plan. Very large cuppas. And I'll be substituting with tea and juice so I may get the same amout of caffeine...but anyway, its a start. :)
Eve.
Labels: new thought, plan, quotes
Thursday, October 11, 2007
I don't know why, I've just felt very liberated on and off this last month.
Pisces usually has an excess of caring and feeling in general(Emo alert!!) and I try to control it. But I'm a Leo ascendant and I don't like being ordered around so much. Although the Pisces loves being all doormatty, I've been told.
Well, anyway I feel good, full and happy.
And I'm going to shower.
Work can wait ^_^
Eve.
Labels: feelings, new thought
Saturday, September 29, 2007
We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality.
Einstein said this. You know since I added the Einstein quote of the day app, I've been thinking...he's a lot cooler than I thought. Seriously iced, actually.
And I may not be very smart, but I do have a personality. :) A sweet one. Haha I really like my new name.
Eve.
Labels: new thought, quotes
Small talk has always been a pretty big part of my life. In my world, you don't go up to your dad and say "I need an increase in allowance". You ask him how his back is (and probably end up rubbing it), you give him something sweet to eat, ask about his work, and tell him about school and insert sneakily how many of your friends have had birthdays, ask him if he thinks your hair's grown, or if you'll need a haircut.
Then you bring up, very nicely, the increment.
It's not cunning exactly. I do care about his back, and his work, and what happened to bani (he really loves kasem se). But when do I get the chance to talk to him? With our timetables? Never. Plus, I plan to disappear, so there's the ethical/moral thing. It wouldn't be right to talk to him like that all the time and give him the impression I cared (even though I do) if I knew I was gonna leave him anyway. It would just hurt him unnecessarily - and I know because it's been tested on me.
But you use small talk everywhere - with the aunty at the coffeeshop. You say "hi, how are you, aunty?", she goes "fine, you? Exams coming right?" then you go "Ya, still mugging....hope I can pass everything", then she goes "Nevermind lah, clever girl like you sure can. If cannot, so pretty can go find one of those engin boys, the no need to work also" then you laugh and she gives you your coffee and you go back to your books.
You could pretty much put that conversation anywhere. You almost never start a conversation, even with your best friend, with "So, have you thought of a way to bring water to those poor children in Africa? I'm stumped on how we'll coordinate transporting the water from the flooded areas in India to those filled with dust." You could start with a "Hi, nice top, feel like coffee or sth a little stronger tonight?". "You look tired..." "Ready to shop/play chess/stuff our faces/watch that movie?" Or if he's really your best friend, "Got anything to eat, dear? I'm totally horny and I need to bite." :p
At any rate, I've discovered I know quite a few people who are very, very unique. More than a few of my posts have been about what those few have said or done. So thank you, my muses.
:p
Eve.
Labels: new thought, opinion
I've got a whole new me to go with my whole new name.
:p I'm not scared of getting lost anymore!
*happy dance*
LOL I've decided I'm tired of regrets and I'm going to be experiencing every moment. Living it, breathing it, tasting it, singing it out!
I will be happy.
Eve.
Labels: new thought
Friday, September 28, 2007
I never thought about this before.
You know, there are a lot of people who have very definite ideas on what they want. We'll say we don't believe we should do such things, we don't think we're ready for such situations, we want our freedom to choose, to move, to change, to leave. We want to be free and open to new experiences. We want no restrictions.
But by saying that don't we actually severely restrict ourselves? We're saying we reserve the right not to be counted on and that we would rather not really matter to anyone else because we're not ready for commitment?
Huh.
Eve.
Labels: new thought