Monday, March 03, 2008
Dear Diary,
Don't think it's possible to have yet more apathy for anything. Always felt it was one of those boolean thingies - either you are apathetic or you aren't? But I could be wrong again.
There are a lot of people I talk to. There are very, very few I can really talk with. Unfortunately, I just can't pick these people. And they have this tendency to all need much space. Then again, so do I.
The problem is, I can't really control what they do. I don't even know half the time. And I'm seriously disempowered - I don't want to.
I just don't like being made to bleat (bad play!) for them.
I don't backstab. If I grumble, I would do it to your face. Show it and see.
But I'm going to get some sleep.
Falling down escalators 3 times in one afternoon hurts.
Ouch.
Eve.
Labels: fear, feelings, freedom, friend, love, opinion, shoutout
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Ok, I know of very very gross videos of slaughterhouses that exist.
I like the taste of meat.
Recently, I've eaten a lot of meat.
My only excuses:
1. Halal meat is slaughtered humanely (tell me if this is not true!)
2. I haven't actually seen the videos, and I'm not sure if they are relevant to halal meat.
3. If I went veg, I'd probably go to a extreme, so I need to be very very convinced.
Plus I really really don't want to restrict myself like that. I'd rather at least eat fish, too. I'd rather eat everything in moderation like I do now, but I'd be compelled to try go veg if I found out the truth.
Tell me if those videos apply to me, if you know.
Eve.
On a side note: great party! Thank you all for coming, and all the wishes. I'm now working on my real plans for my real year. Namely, sleep, run, and work properly. The first day tells you what will happen the rest of the year, no?
Labels: shoutout, to think about
Sunday, February 10, 2008
I'm tired of this. I'm tired of the routine of school. Soon the point will come when I will cease to feel ridiculously guilty for skipping class - right now the main reason why I don't skip is my very strong desire not to be the freeloader in the group. But smu groups expect a ridiculous level of commitment from you. There are too many groups, people, for you to give 110% for all of them. And quite honestly, it's not all worth it.
I'm just drained. As in, I waste too many good concentration hours in group meetings. If I'm going to study, I'm going to study.
I'm still working on draft effing 1.5 of my essay, due this wed (20%), because I'm so blur I can't figure out what I am missing. And if I can't figure it out I can't fit it in. And I can't figure it out because I spent way too much time prepping for my ungraded (GROUP) progress report presentation for tmr morning, and on my 5% leader presentation (GROUP) for tmr afternoon. And on my part of the 10% essay (GROUP) due 10am Tuesday.
And I know if I go blur as I am I won't be much good at the actual presenting, no matter how much I prepped.
Fuck. Think I'll let my brain sleep tonight. Finish the group crap and go to bed at 9.
I'll work on my real essay tmr.
Eve.
PS. What I really want to do, right now, is just pack up a bag and walk off. Walk until there's nothing left but me and the wind. But I'd have to bring my passport for that...Singapore's too crowded.
Labels: crazy, fact, feelings, freedom, future, life, monopoly, pissed, shoutout, sickness
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Sometimes I wonder if I'm the kind of girl that was made for love.
It's silly. The beliefs I hold on love are pretty well developed, and everyone is made for love. You don't need any special characteristics - you're just lovable. Even if you're difficult or not very nice to some people, there's always another person you are kind to.
The only people for whom love does not work are the people who REALLY don't want love.
I'm reading Steppenwolf now. In it, he says a truth : even if there were people who wanted to love him, he drove them away. Until all he had was people who liked him, maybe sympathised with him, but did not love him.
I want to be loved. But not by my family, they will have to be left behind. I cannot be myself with them - I am too different. And I don't change easily. In some ways, I cannot change at all barring divine (LOL) intervention.
Does rejecting their love mean I am rejecting all love? Not to me. I don't reject their love. They don't know me, and have never known me. They cannot love me, if they never knew me - you have to love someone knowing all of them that you can know, ya?
Oh well. Rushing two summaries and a proposal. Even though I started both a week ago they are still somehow not finished. :'(
I hate smu. It's a very large smudge on the window of my life.
Eve.
Labels: life, love, opinion, shoutout
Friday, December 14, 2007
I love my friends. That's probably a bad idea, but hey. They're soulkin. (Note that I have many different definitions of "friend" - the guy I met on wed is a friend but I don't consider him soulkin )
Soulkin. Family of the soul. Like blood families, they can be huge and noisy or small, or medium sized, orphaned or multiparented or whatever.
Hurts when a twin soul goes off alone, but hey. Ka, ya? If he or she is truly twin, he or she will come back. :p Dhan! Cannot wait for sleepover and much gossip. No makeup allowed? Please?
End babble.
Eve.
Labels: crap, crazy, fear, feelings, friend, love, opinion, random stuff, shoutout
Thursday, December 13, 2007
I made a new friend. Arya Delima - I love her name.
I guess you could call her my muse. She writes, with doggedness if nothing else. She taught me a valuable lesson about setting goals for my writing.
On a side note, there are so many games I wanna play! :( Play with me, please? Not much fun playing by myself. I always know what I'm going to do next, and I always win against me. :s
Eve.
Labels: cool, crazy, feelings, freedom, friend, new thought, nyehnyeeeh, random stuff, shoutout, story
Saturday, October 13, 2007
It's funny. In the last couple of weeks, I've met up with a lot of the people I love. And next week I have assignments due so I need to get down to it.
But every time I sit down at the computer, I inevitably begin to feel lonely.
I know I am a master procrastinator. ^_^
But the extent has gotten worrying even to me. I think I'm going to have to beg someone to sit with me when I study soon, just so I can study. :s It's a bit pathetic but I can't understand it myself - I only know it affects me and I can't conquer it by any means I can think of so far.
So, anyone who wants to study with me? I'll be good for it :)
Eve.
Labels: opinion, shoutout