I'm tired of this. I'm tired of the routine of school. Soon the point will come when I will cease to feel ridiculously guilty for skipping class - right now the main reason why I don't skip is my very strong desire not to be the freeloader in the group. But smu groups expect a ridiculous level of commitment from you. There are too many groups, people, for you to give 110% for all of them. And quite honestly, it's not all worth it.

I'm just drained. As in, I waste too many good concentration hours in group meetings. If I'm going to study, I'm going to study.

I'm still working on draft effing 1.5 of my essay, due this wed (20%), because I'm so blur I can't figure out what I am missing. And if I can't figure it out I can't fit it in. And I can't figure it out because I spent way too much time prepping for my ungraded (GROUP) progress report presentation for tmr morning, and on my 5% leader presentation (GROUP) for tmr afternoon. And on my part of the 10% essay (GROUP) due 10am Tuesday.

And I know if I go blur as I am I won't be much good at the actual presenting, no matter how much I prepped.

Fuck. Think I'll let my brain sleep tonight. Finish the group crap and go to bed at 9.

I'll work on my real essay tmr.

Eve.

PS. What I really want to do, right now, is just pack up a bag and walk off. Walk until there's nothing left but me and the wind. But I'd have to bring my passport for that...Singapore's too crowded.

Yet another ring on the tree at7:50 PM

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I have been studying - not as hard as I should but I've been studying.

:P I leave the computer behind. That's the only way I get anything done. And my back hurts not so much now.

But I'm sick *sniff*

I believe that your prettiness comes from your perception of yourself. If you think you are not good enough to be seen, you hunch, stare at the ground, wear shapeless clothing of indeterminate colour, avoid the gazes of other people as far as possible - because they're being critical of you in their head, of course.....

So I try and stand up straight, look people in the eye, etc. The problem is, when I get sick, I don't feel so pretty, and so...I automatically try to hide. The painful sore at my mouth is relly not so noticeable. If the person is looking me straight in the eye and my eyes are as bright as usual, (because I feel whole, and right - Not Because Of The Glasses), then they're not going to notice the sore. It's the same colour as my mouth. :s

Only, if I feel ugly, they can't look me in the eye. I stare at their feet. So they have to stare at my cheek or mouth or whatever. And then...dun dun dunnnn. Like Gobi said. You are in control.

I'm standing up straight today. Not going to skip training. I'm hardly the most eye catching girl anyway - I'm sweet, not hot or pretty. :p If they meant it, then they won't be horrible about the thing that causes me pain when I smile.

Right. Off to class it is! No more hiding.

Eve.

Yet another ring on the tree at11:30 AM

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