Tuesday, December 11, 2007
SO.
I still haven't started working out.
Even though today's been sunny - I'm afraid I'll jinx it and it'll start raining. But I'm still aiming for a 3kg loss by the end of the hols - only missed a week. Still got plenty more. And I'm training 4 times a weeks this week too, so not totally slacking.
I don't know why, though, I've been hungry all day, nonstop, for the last two days. No matter what or how much I eat. Meat or veggies or fruit - I just keep eating. But I can feel the hard muscle in my body, *drool* beneath my fat. So I just wanna lose some of the fat so everyone else will drool too *likemay!!* but... I still got a month.
Sadly, self esteem is ding donging. I hate not having information and not being able to get it. I can't decide well on less than good information and right now I just need to talk to one bloody person with one huge dose of veritaserum and find out what's going on.
Btw I really am a packrat - there are ten pairs of jeans in my closet, (time to clean it out?) all hand-me-downs from my cousins that I will no longer wear - that crack about me being homely and looking like an 18th century house wife stung. Even though it's been nearly two years.
So I'm probably chopping my hair in jan again. I can't pull off sophisticated. But I'm gonna try this month - it might be nice to look untouchable because I'm too good rather than untouchable because I look kiddy (explains why the old dudes look at me tho').
Hmm I love capoeira. I never get so angry I want to kill anymore. I never give up because I think I can't do it - I try. Maybe not as hard as I could but I think it's an improvement over one year ago. I'll work on improving. Like that muscle book I bought. May not implement it now. But I will read it, and when I decide to implement the program I won't quit. It's a two year thing, to REALLY build up your body. All I wanted was to get stronger, so it's like a college level module when I wanted to learn my letters or sth.
But eventually I'm going to need a body like that to do the moves - see Boon, Silvio, Mestre... So eventually it will be implemented. Didn't waste daddy's money. :p
I'm still sort of mad at a particular person, but mostly because I thought better of them. But then, I tend to think most men are men. Not cowards or babies in the bodies of men. Not twisted psychos hiding under a kindly face. So's my fault I guess.
Sigh I wish I could cut out my libido or heart or whatever it is that causes me to care about a potential mate. Quite funny - if I stop believing he exists, but it is predetermined, then he will be as empty as me. But I really don't think such men exist. I think most men would cheat if they could get away with it. Or just give her as bad a deal as possible. Not all! Just most.
But I can't really believe that. As in, it's a thought that recurs, but when I deal with guys I don't see ASSHOLE tattooed on their faces. They're more than their thingies.
Just need to be fair? I'd hate to be treated like a womb or a pair of breasts?
Ah whatever.
Eve.
Labels: appearance, article, love, opinion, pissed, to think about, update