Saturday, December 15, 2007
"His whole life had been like that, it seemed to him. Saying farewell, escaping, being forgotten; finding himself alone again, with empty hands and a frozen heart." [Herman Hesse : Narcissus and Goldmund]
Pretty sad. Again and again I wonder if that is going to be my fate - because friends do sometimes leave for no reason you can understand. And I won't have bloodkin anymore in a few years, unless I get lucky and meet Mr B, and he wants to convert, marry me and stay here. Funnily enough, I wouldn't mind trading my freedom for someone warm next to me at night.
But anyway, the loss of friends, of the ones I considered soulkin (I'm well aware that what I feel is not always the same) really hurts. Is hard to believe. My life is far from over - I'm somewhere between 25% and 50% through it (although I may of course die at any time by accident). So I can hope they come back.
And I have a ridiculously overactive imagination. The merest name dropped in proximity with that of a friend I lost, makes me perk up, start wondering - after all, a muse, love, master dropped into the life of a friend could be catalyst enough to make them receptive to old ones that they decided to push to the bottom of the pile, or the back of the shelf. (That's my theory on long lost friends - they're still there with you, you just don't seek or read them. Like a bookshelf. :p well. Like my bookshelves. ^_^)
I don't like losing people I love. I have a mommy complex. I like making sure everyone's ok and happy, seeing if I can do anything for them. And fyi, this is not detrimental to any desire I might have to help achieve any world goal. What's the point of helping the villagers advance through education, if the world they advance to is truly not one they'd be happier in? There's a reason why happiness is more common among the poor (surprisingly?). They have family, they have hope. Education now seems to leach hope from you. You'll get sick, according to the statistics. You're probably going to be abandoned by your kids - save up for old age on your own, old man. And again, your kids will be unhappy with the way you raised them - they'll be aware of the
few who did better, but they don't care about your best - they want THE best and you didn't give it to them. You'll have plentiful food - but the food is mostly likely to be horribly bad for you and it will probably make the last ten years of your life painful and riddled with disease.
So. I'll be smiley happy when I feel like it, (most of the time - I am woman! Rawrr. Fear my moods!) I'll make it a point to think of other people too - jeez, that's how you make it possible for other people to think of you. People gave up seats for me sometimes when I was little - I'm just passing it on. I'm probably a very bad person, but that's no reason for me not to try to be good.
And I'm never going to let myself forget. That other person, who cut the line, hit the dog, bombed himself - was a PERSON. Crazy, sick, mean. But those are character traits that even I exhibit sometimes - in milder forms, but still. Can't hate whole nations. Can't hate whole races.
Can't hate.
Hate's a poison that's easy to disguise. Revenge, justice. Torture. Hurt. Tough love - when taken to the extreme it can be an easy way for hate to disguise itself.
I wish no one could ever hate.
Then we'd have more peace in the world, and a world worth working for.
Eve.
Labels: article, fear, feelings, friend, goals, gripes, love, random stuff, wish