Evarysyn

2009-04-12T23:50:00.002+08:00

Eh. Feeling sort of inspired by Human Weapon. Dunno why, I haven't caught an episode in months.

Maybe it's the mad rush of readings but - you guys, I finished approx 700 pages in the last 9 days! Of compulsory readings too. Not easy fiction.

I guess I want to do something physical for like a month - until I have to buckle down for the internship. The other thing on my to do list for the month is clean out my clutter. Throw everything I don't use on a weekly basis into boxes, to be sorted on a schedule.

The best thing? Freedom is 88 hours away.

BAck to the slogging. *Whip cracks*

Eve.

2009-04-05T12:01:00.002+08:00

I thought I could ace consti. It's seriously one of the most interesting modules ever! But there's so much material - I can't even stick to my rules to go through the material twice. I still have 291 pages of the textbook (not even TOUCHING cases or articles until that's done) to read by wednesday. And it's a 6 hour typed paper.

Please let me pass!

Eve.

2009-03-23T12:59:00.011+08:00

I've gotten so used to doing everything alone, eating, dreaming, and watching movies, that the thought of meeting people I hold in deep affection, after 12 hours of work, is almost as tiring as the work I have to do.

What has my life come to? There's not even the time to nurse a crush, which inevitably die through a lack of attention, not to even think of the profound lack of effort. The most creative choice I exercise each day is what assignment I will work on. If I'm not working on an assignment or reading up for law, I'm working on capoeira. The song. Or a dobrado. Or a sequence I can't quite understand.

If I ever get my body into shape (i.e. quit with the binges when I feel pressured), I'm going to be pretty darn good. The only this I don't have is a sense of how my body connects and works together, I think. Be more self aware - quit splitting my consciousness down 3 avenues simultaneously? I guess that's not something to be proud of after all.

I guess it is a self fulfilling prophecy that there will never be another - seems as if there's less, and less, and less time each day for working, let alone living.

And I still haven't finished my warrior-monk code. Procrastinated for up to 10 months already, and all I've got are bits and pieces of thought that goes nowhere and a sketchy outline. Need to buck up if I'm going to achieve it before I turn 28.

And I still can't figure what the guru would say.

2009-03-15T23:46:00.002+08:00

I'm just breaking free on a month of deadlines. No deadlines for the next 10days, and most of that I have finished already.

Just have to start studying for the final exams - they're in 4 weeks. :s

I do want to meet my friends though - from meeting them twice a week when gobi was around, to pretty much once a month these days, especially since I didn't bother with a birthday deal, means I'm deprived of dumb jokes already. :s

And weirdly, what with the work and training, I've still found time to daydream over cute boys. And I actually talked to one of them! :D Just to ask about homework, but still. There's still 4 weeks til term ends.

Sleepy,

Eve.

2009-02-05T23:45:00.003+08:00

I cannot believe this guy, who I thought was my friend 1) could not make time for a half hour meeting 2) kept me waiting for a total of 3 hours in one day for the same meeting. 3) Did not even bother to tell me he would be keeping me waiting.

Never working with him again.

Well.

I suspect he would not act like that if other people were in the group. I know he has deadlines. But they are for a group report due next tuesday. I'm supposed to, what, wait until that is over before even talking to him about our group project topic and split the work? I can be understanding by not making him submit things on the same day. I cannot be understanding in postponing everything at the expense of my own constraints.

A meeting to come up with the outline and split up the work isn't that much, is it? It only took half an hour in the end.

He's no friend if he can't even show enough respect to explain himself and orders me to do research and give it to him. He cannot order me to make an outline and let him vet my work. I am not his lackey. He does not even read my emails.

If he doesn't apologise, this is it. I'm not passing him any more extra stuff. I'll send it out to the whole class. I will not send it to him. Let someone else do it.

ASS.

Eve.

Love Quiz

2009-02-01T11:52:00.001+08:00

You Scored as Married

You will possibly get married. You might not realize it consciously but you are longing for someone to share your life with and people of this type attract each other naturally, all you need is a little patience.

Single by mistake

65%

Married

65%

Single by choice

55%

M. W. Kids

50%

Love Quiz

2009-02-01T11:08:00.003+08:00

You Scored as Married

Single by mistake

65%

Married

65%

Single by choice

55%

M. W. Kids

50%

Love Quiz

2009-02-01T11:08:00.001+08:00

You Scored as Married

Single by mistake

65%

Married

65%

Single by choice

55%

M. W. Kids

50%

2009-01-30T00:10:00.006+08:00

I don't like leaving things halfway.

And I love the friends I've made.

But the amount of bureaucracy and the ridiculous division of labour almost makes me want to quit Aiesec.

When I interviewed, I got the impression, probably mistaken, that the projects run by the projects department would receive help from all the other departments too. As in, in would be an Aiesec project. Not an Aiesec Projects project, which is the case for me right now. It's frustrating because it's a lot of work that could probably be streamlined if we had the help of BD to get funding and marketing to help us with, say, a timeline of when posters should go out. The only department we work with is OGX and that's just us riding on their EPRD to get a few DTs.

I'm not interested in getting the fancy titles. I'll never run for any of those posts. My loves are capoeira and daydreaming, my honour demands that I be a good person, and my work is the law. Between them, how much time does a person have?

To put my daydreams to good use I proposed the TTP. But the groups it is meant to help will probably not receive the help because there is no Aiesec presence in those countries. Hell. The whole thing was for East Timor and I haven't even been able to talk to anyone from Timor, and the idea was shot down immediately when suggested to the team. Because it was difficult.

But the results are not there. Really. We're so distracted by fulfilling the Aiesec requirements for learning events and we spend so much time in meetings...

My main question now is, if I quit, will I be able to take this project and proposals out? Can I work on it outside of Aiesec? Or is that against the rules?

Because I seriously don't think that it is going to become what I envisioned in 2 or even 5 years. What I need to do is 1) get an accreditor to buy into it and 2) get the government of that country to recognise accreditation. The main point is to train teachers to provide children with basic primary education in countries where there is a desperate shourtage of teachers. Not volunteerism on the part of any teachers. Not experience on the part of any interns. Not awareness in the country running the project.

Even the awareness raising projects are conventional because Aiesec is conventional. Even if there is money, the use of real dishes are impractical because nobody would wash their own dishes. And who would use them again? So we should just use disposable because they are easier. Never mind that we are emphasising that actions should be taken to resolve social issues. :s I see the practical sense, but because this was a micro decision, we could not say that the whole CCA would use real plates and cutlery at events.

Which makes sense. The CCA is about exchange. It is not greenpeace. :s so I was irrational.

I wonder what they would have done 50 years ago. Before disposable everything was made cheap.

I'm grateful for the friends I made, but it's been a year. The bureaucracy is killing me. WHen I interviewed, I was told that change was imminent.

I don't see it.

Eve.

[edit] so google says styrofoam was invented in 1954. Huh.

2009-01-20T23:41:00.002+08:00

So I know myself.

I've only spoken to him like, once.

And I don't really know him.

But after a year of silly grins when I catch a glimpse of eye candy (not so often - I should probably spend more time in school), I find two connections to him (cue: struggle to kill dumb grin) and I blurt out his cuteness and general wowness, AND I get told he's single.

I wouldn't say I'm his type (in my school, if you throw a dart blindfolded on campus, you probably hit a pretty girl) but hey, I guess it can't hurt to talk to him.

Maybe next year.

Eve.

2009-01-17T23:52:00.001+08:00

You're responsible, sweet, gentle and lovable! You have a loving heart, a great respect for all creatures (human, great and small), and the ability to see the thing that makes each individual special. However, you tend to overlook the things that make you special, and thus, putting you in a position to be pushed around by others. Take some time everyday to reflect on your qualities, and see that you don't have to please everyone and still be loved for who you are. Which Love Hina Girl Are You?

2009-01-10T15:02:00.003+08:00

pretty happy these days.

pretty busy too.

The conference is taking so much time. the forum too. I'm beginning to get a bit worried about the program itself. Starting to chase the people who are bigger than me.

will have to remember to go to the phillipines embassy next week. and chase the nie group.

but I've got time to hang out with my friends :)

Eve.

2009-01-06T14:58:00.003+08:00

7 minutes late for the first class yesterday. But I contributed. I spoke in each class! And I'm preparing for tmr's. :)

Miss my bros, though. All 3 of them.

Eve.

2009-01-04T22:47:00.002+08:00

School starts tmr.

I would like to thank the guru, for setting to rest some of the stranger residual worries I carry from that major event. And for making fun of me until I acted normal.

Happy New Year.

Eve.

Holiday List

2008-12-26T14:55:00.004+08:00

I have once again managed to waste my holiday! My room is still not cleaned. But I did meet and make a lot of friends. So.

I haven't learned Hindi or Jap or finished my Portuguese.

But I know I have a year to finish my Portuguese. And like 10 years from now I'll need Jap when I apply to a ninjitsu school. But I am of Indian origin - should know a bit of Hindi or Punjabi no?

And who needs to be skinny anyway?

2008-12-25T01:45:00.003+08:00

Singapore's too small for me. There are so few avenues for me to find interesting things and people to connect with. And it appears impossible to go everlasting sunshine and pretend my bad judgment was really just a nightmare that faded in the light of day.

Ignoring the pertinent child's activities means keeping myself blind to the looming consequences, but I am not inclined to listen to convoluted accusations. And I wouldn't actually be affected at all if I completely ignored it. Which I am going to do.

So much for hoping to eventually make things less awkward. Being disliked is kind of new - I usually slide below the radar. Never thought being unworthy of notice was a benefit.

Eve.

2008-11-21T23:08:00.003+08:00

I should probably be all worried about my exams. I know once the storm hits on Wed I'll be stunned by the speed at which I will be demolished.

Wed - Lobo
Thurs - FA
Fri - Prop law
Mon - CLS

And I've done next to nothing for CLS or FA. Only 4 weeks to study for FA effectively, so I can finish that tmr, but I still have 400 collective pages to read for LOBO and I'm not even talking about cases. And all I've done for property is read my lecture notes (which in themselves were 100 pages) for the second half of sem.

I spent four days reading storybooks.

And yet I still don't regret them.

Reformulating my performance indicators so I can be assured of a pass in terms of confidence if nothing else now.

I'm really looking forward to December, to finishing my TEFL course, to sleeping, to seeing my friends. And tuning myself up. I haven't had my hair cut professionally for 6 months - and apparently my efforts with a scissors are lamentable. I haven't had a facial in a really long time. I haven't gone for a run in months either. And shopping's been frozen since Bali.

I'm going to do everything in 11 days.

Don't know what I am going to do about my sleep problem though. I've been doing some reading anda long term sleep debt can trigger mental and emotinal problems as well as being generally bad for your body.

I just can't sleep though. I lie there and my brain won't shut up. Which is one reason why I want to learn to meditate. It should be mind over matter, not matter over mind, no?

Sufficient diversion.

Ciao.

Eve.

2008-11-04T23:22:00.000+08:00

Willing yourself to sleep doesn't work.

Eve.

2008-11-03T00:02:00.002+08:00

Oooh and with the A I got for the prop midterm I am convincing my dad to sponsor two new tees. Both the brown "forgive your enemies" one. I like it and I am going to wear it and the one I have now is getting way raggedy. Won't be fit for school in a few months.

And if I can get a new tiger strip scarf I'm set for the next year! Woot.

Have to get a suit and a haircut before my finishing touch class though. Teacher secretly thinks I'm a scruffy kid. At least the rest are immaculate kids.

Sigh.

Nite nite.

Eve. - or Sammy?

2008-11-02T23:29:00.002+08:00

I'm pretty easy to find online. Despite all the privacy screens available to me, I generally respond and share my information with whoever asks and seems nice.

Why? I wondered all day. Now I know.

I like guys. They are enjoyable to talk to and they always feel warm. And they don't make me feel bad just for being messy and bookish and a daydreamer. And they're funny.

But I can't find a guy attractive (I can see he's cute but feel no pull) if I don't find him interesting to talk to. And in general guys I find interesting become my friends. And I have a rule which I will not relax again. I am not going to ever go out with a friend. I value my friends too much.

So if I am easy to find online, I can meet new people. (Given that I've exhausted my schools - so many bros already! I need that.)

And they find me. If I don't find them immediately boring I'll talk. And maybe I'll meet them.

If nothing else, I have a new friend.

Which I also need. My friends lately have been so busy, and their schedules clash so much with mine, I don't see them very much. Once you add in the S.O. factor, I get the feeling I'm going to feel awkward if I spend more than a few hours a day with people.

I sit by myself in class. I eat by myself most of the time. I feel awkward if I have lunch with classmates now - I never know what to say and my babble has not improved. I still get vastly annoyed.

At least it means they avoid lunches with me :p

There are a few people I'm comfy with and that's good. I can relax with them any time, even if I only see them once in a blu moon. But with most people, I panick and summon affability. I'm just really polite and as unobtrusive as I can make myself.

And I read so much now. Kevin Anderson's Saga of the Seven Suns is good! Check it out. Takes a long time though. And I make good friends with all the cleaning ladies and coffeeshop aunties and uncles. Because that's where I read now. The library's too cold.

The coffeeshop with the best 90cent mugs of teh tarik is closed for renovation now though and I am sad because I won't see the uncle for a long time, if ever. His stall is not coming back and he says he'll be in avenue 4 now.

He really made the best teh t. I don't know where I'll go to read now. And my favourite meal of wanton mee noodles, fried fish from the fried fish soup stall and yong tau fu veggie soup is a mere dream of last tuesday.

Benny was right. I am too late. All the males coming in are far too young for me. I can't even see them as guys - my brother is 18years old. :s ugh. So now I'm old too.

At least I'm really comfy by myself.

Eve.

2008-10-22T12:48:00.003+08:00

I am so sleepy.

And I have made no progress whatsoever on my monkhood plan.

Although Aiesec SMU projects did adopt a version of my TTP so I am making progress! :)

I've truly given up the hope that I will be able to mate normally. :s (Only one guy, who just wants sex, all year? I'd rather be a nun.)

So the process of making myself a good parent is to begin soon.

The yoga master thing fell through - my dad hears too many rumours. So I'm doing self meditation.

I'm also self medicating my personality quirks - gotta minimise the caffeine, the msg, the sugar, the oil. When you figure out the amount of wiggle room actually afforded by "moderation" you realise just how unhealthy the food that's available is. I'm now living on yong tau fu when I'm not home.

But the one thing I haven't been able to do is sleep. Even with reduced caffeine. I just can't sleep, and it makes me moody.

But I'll work on it. For my baby.

Sigh.

Eve.

2008-10-14T17:19:00.002+08:00

Law's killing me.

If I'm to keep up with the workload I need to spend so much time on it I don't have time for my hobbies as well as my CCAs.

Or sleep.

I am giving up.

Who gives a shit whether I get an A or a B, if I'm not going to practise in the first place? No point sleeping so little and poorly.

The stuff I learn is interesting, I don't deny. But it's too much. I really need sleep and I can't feel guilty each time I sleep late or zone out, because I reverse the rest with stress.

Jeez.
Eve.

2008-09-28T01:18:00.002+08:00

I think debate's a keeper. So now I'm allocating 4 hours a week to projects and 4 hours a week to debate. :s Gee. I feel like a two timer la.

In other news, I FINALLY GOT MY Brazilan Port - English Pocket Dictionary!!!

Hehehehehhehehehehehehhehehehe.

Sorry.

I also bought a book that will teach me hindi in a month! *gasp*

ANd conversational japanese! (just to make Ai and Aya smile :)) Mai ban wa zasshi wo yomimasen; Nippon go wo manabimasu.

plus I want a jap buddy next time round, the korean guy's pretty nice :)

Just finished my project slides and reports.

hiiii.

Eve.

2008-09-23T23:21:00.002+08:00

I am so tired.

My eyes burn and my skin feels painfully stretched.

My insides groan and creak and grumble.

And the hell part of the week hasn't come yet.

Eve

2008-09-22T09:34:00.003+08:00

Is it just me, or is the school workload increasing every year?

If they're just trying to impart analytical skills they're drowning us in too many readings.

Or I just don't devote enough of myself to it.

:P rato is apparently going to teach class next week.

Looking forward to it.

Eve.

2008-09-21T23:37:00.003+08:00

God, this weekend has been a crazy round of work. Lecture (at 10am on a SATURDAY), then a seminar at 1 that I was late for :s :s (I'm really going to have to set a limit on AIESEC - I just want that proposal to GO somewhere. even if it is rejected.) My max commitment is 4 hours a week for everything. Capoeira and law are pretty much my mains. This morning was a mad rush of at least prepping half the work for LBO, and finishing FA cuz I will have no time once prepping starts for the presentations and exams. And capoeira. And homework.

Madness.

Eve.

2008-09-20T13:57:00.002+08:00

ARGH was late for both ramos gomez's talk and the publicity and i still haven't finished fna homework :( Die...

Eve

2008-09-18T18:51:00.004+08:00

So many people have expressed shock that I can eat all my meals alone for days and study alone and be happy alone. :s

I don't get it. I'm no island, but I can go to the bathroom myself, and while I don't mind company when I study, it's not depressing to read on my own. (I'm reading :s why do I need someone to sit with me?)

And I've decided most guys I know - the available ones - are just not trustworthy - in that they still want variety, still can't be certain that they have what they want in a girl.

So I'm pretty happy. I love my books, I watch movies when I feel like it, I eat on my schedule, and I don't have to worry about pleasing other people[if you disregard my goal to make contra mestre pe de vento and professor joel proud of my progress WHEN they comes next year]. Ahh... the power of positive thinking. No?

I just wish I could love law better. It demands far more than I have though - 6hrs of concentration a day are really not enough and anything I do after that is crappy. Unless it's FA. There's just not much difference in the work required for different modules - it's just reading and case summaries.

Will meditate after I finish my speech. :s

2008-09-17T11:27:00.002+08:00

By the way, the question I've been wrestling with is this:

Walsingham is the registered proprietor of the Fee Simple in Blackacre under Torrens title in Singapore. On his retirement from his lifetime position as trusted advisor to Elizabeth his employer, he receives an honorarium from his grateful employer which enables him to pay off his mortgage on Blackacre to the Bank.

He retrieves his Certificate of Title from the Bank and leaving it with Essex his accountant for safe-keeping embarks on an extended holiday in France.

Essex, pretending to be Walsingham, “sells” Blackacre to Ascham, an honest man. Essex forges Walsingham’s signature on the transfer and Ascham becomes the registered proprietor.

Meanwhile Essex disappears with the proceeds of the sale never to be seen again.

Walsingham returns from his holiday and discovers what has happened. He comes to you for your advice. What do you tell him? Explain the reasons for your advice with reference to relevant authority.

Is there no way to give both of them remedy?? Damn all evil men lah :(

My paper is due TOMORROW gahhh.

Eve.

2008-09-17T11:07:00.001+08:00

I have a new paper diary. LOL. I kill trees!

The words triip over themselves to fill paper in a way they do not for digital media. I'll need to plant a forest when I have money. :s

Eve

2008-09-08T22:49:00.002+08:00

Ok so I didn't get a Mac. I don't know much about Macs so as an extra my dad got the acer aspire one - the one that runs on linux so i had a panic attack. I've never used anything but windows.

But it's better than I dreamed.

And cuz the memory is only 8gb (seriously, I suck with computer stuff. Don't laugh at me. I don't do geekspeak.) I can still get a Mac - the whole reason why I wanted this mini one was so I could haggle for a Mac as well. Despite the hard disk(?) I have that has more space than my old comp did anyway.

Heheheheh this one is so small and light my bag and back love me again.

Eve.

2008-09-08T10:35:00.002+08:00

I am a bad, bad girl. *spank*

Need to regain my discipline. Resist - the - temptation - of - Dune!!

Stories have reclaimed me, so softly, so sweetly, into the land of darkness and indulgence.

nooooooooo....

Eve.

2008-09-07T09:54:00.001+08:00

1. I'm getting a Mac! (My old HP wants a bit more rest)

2. My new goal is silence:

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. ~ Mark Twain"

Eve

2008-09-02T11:54:00.002+08:00

LEXISNEXIS SUCKS!!!!

Damn it, been trying to get an article for 2 hours! 2 F***ing hours WASTED waiting for pages to load, reload, trying to take different routes, checking my password like 10 times.

And the damn article isn't anywhere else either.

It's not worth it. I'm just going to go out now.

GAH.

Eve.

2008-09-02T11:47:00.002+08:00

eeeh decided to slack and research the crush.

Had the impression that he was sweet and shy and funny and smart (his glasses), dedicated to his cca.

Turns out he is a party boy who likes playing the field. (found is facebook and friendster with ease - jeez, we know a lot of people in common. But he knows a lot of people period.)

Meh.

I have got to improve my taste in dudes. We'd have nothing in common! Gah.

Eve.

2008-09-02T10:34:00.002+08:00

I'm reading Tathea again. It's a lovely book and it always gives me sth new to think about.

I've gone completely off romance novels! I can't believe it. No coffee(sweet tea/green tea), not much need for chocolate (though I seem to have substituted with lotus paste...mooncakes), been disciplined about my accounting homework. Been pushing myself in training.

No urge to randomly surf the internet. See a cute guy, who has been on and off my eyecandy for the last year (sam, of the robes and wooden swords) and I have no urge to 1) talk to him 2) daydream. I went right back to prepping my adjusted trial balance.

Been silent more than I have been speaking.

!!!

I may have been possessed by a Yeerk. I think it's off feeding now so I can type this. SAVE MEEEEEEE....

=p
Eve.

2008-08-27T11:15:00.002+08:00

I'm not a very emotional person anymore. Except I laugh too much and I get tense (potentially explode) around my dad. He's gone uber religious and added to my doubts about whether my stand not to have a stand on religion is worth relooking, his presence has a very bad effect on my serenity.

I'm much better at letting things go (in a certain sense). I'll always want answers - I think thats the only thing that's going to redeem me in this degree. My laziness and shyness make me a very quiet student in class - don't feel like I have allies, you see. Don't find discussions so fun when they are not light hearted.

But I can't be bothered to join all the law soc events even though that would make me closer to my classmates so I'm just working on a thicker skin. Skipped meditation too many times.

Truth is I don't even have a group for two of my classes. I did have a group for each, but the groupmates were too few for the min. requirement so we had to split up. Hoping to clear that up this week.

And I'm behind on study groups too - because my group hasn't prepped and doesnt wanna meet. Sigh. I'm just going to prep myself and muddle through.

I'm being selfish this sem. I'm going to be a person I'm proud of. Right now I'm focusing too much on the little things like the amount of tea and sweets I take in. My character, my interests, my dedication to what I do is the point. Not how plump and pimply and frizzy I am. The running is to discipline myself, the war on sugar is to control my emotions and the meditation is to strengthen my stiff upper lip LOL.

But I'm working on my tastes - I love the clean tastes of fruit and veg these days more than chocolate. Woohoo!

Now to overcome kaya toast.

eve.

2008-08-27T10:55:00.002+08:00

I'm not sleeping at 9pm, so I'm dozing all day. I do wake up at 5.30!

Timetable's thrown off completely. But I'm not really too far behing on school schedule - I'm actually on time for that. Only behind for portuguese - and i can't find my ipod :(

I'm no longer tempted by romance novels.

I'm wondering if I shouldn't just be a good muslim and marry myself off.

I make no sense these days.

Eve.

2008-07-29T11:02:00.002+08:00

I realised whenever I get nervous in social situations (as I have become on the subject of a capoeira community) I blurt stuff out (like, "We need a community!") and then get embarrassed and retreat into my financial planning mode (which I abandon once my social life fixes itself).

And I currently have a sickeningly detailed record of my projected monthly expenditure (even calculating replacement tech costs on a per month basis).

I am a very expensive person.

:s

Eve.

2008-07-24T08:00:00.005+08:00

There's a pretty good Indonesian restaurant - nasi padang place - on Killiney Road. Warung?

The chicken is tender but with some chew in it, filled with the flavour of the gulai. The asam pedas is not too sweet, not too spicy, and the fish is really tender (and boneless).

The veg are a little sweet for my taste - I like mine as close to raw as poss. Good nonetheless.

Their teh tarik leaves something to be desired though. Tastes more like my parents' masala tea (sugarless and not creamy at all). But it's drinkable. And I can pretend it's calorie free ;)

I've taken to haunting that place on thursdays, always hoping to catch this particular person and finally, this time, having the courage to talk to him.

Maybe today'll be the day.

Eve.

2008-07-23T17:21:00.002+08:00

Decided this has to be done. NOW. Before I get lost with book buying.

LOL I welcome the age of obsessive list making baaaack :)

This list will be updated often.

By the end of the year:
I will be able to run 10km in 50min.
I will be serene.
I will start talking to silvano in portuguese (please)
I will look into having a tailored wardrobe.

Per month:
1 piece of writing that is not related to blog and school (since I can't write because I have no discipline - I can hopefully learn the rest and all I'm aiming for are trashy novels anyway)
An outing each with the capoeiristas, dhan, NUS, the ASS bunch :p
A email harassing the riding club to stop having weekend getaways and have one in the middle of the week :( (I really cannot skip capoeira)
A letter to keegs
Practise my survival skillz - cooking, making fires with rocks (have not yet succeeded once), whacking imaginary opponents with my makeshift quarterstaff (unless I manage to wake up at 5 so no one will see me and laugh)
Clean my room
Organise my files
Read one full book in portuguese
Finish TEFL course
Look into a new club not related to martial arts. AIESEC? sth to boost resume at any rate - Research assistant may be cool.
Find out where I can get a bansuri without having to face terrifying indian artists.

Per week:
Yoga class
Portuguese lessons (once every two days)
Capoeira twice a week in term time
Gym, and weights, at least twice a week.
Stay one week ahead of my readings (and petition all profs if the reading materials are not put up two weeks early)
Save $10.

Per Day:
No more than one cup of tea.
Check my intake of veggies scrupulously.
Check intake of fats and sugar even more scrupulously.
Take the stairs instead of elevator at least once.
Meditate.

Eve.

2008-07-23T16:11:00.002+08:00

It pains me to realise that I've only got three weeks left before school. Since we'll be in Bali and then Dili from Aug 6 to 16th, I really should be reading up before school starts, finishing up my TEFL course with all due haste, and keeping up with my portuguese - but I've neglected everything this last week.

Been reading. Trashy romances. Again.

Sad, but I can't stop the need for happy endings.

I've also been having bad dreams (and been avoiding the news). There's no chance of danger, really - I'll be well taken care of :s As USUAL. But it's still going to be the most dangerous place I've ever been. I don't want to put anyone through the embarrassment of having to rescue me, so I'll use the common sense I've saved up :p

But it is so tempting to think of never having to deal with the tests I've had every sunday, and every day after - reminding myself that I have a code of honour for a reason and it is important to me, blah bkah blah - still working on my code, by the way. So far?

Do not steal. Do not harm. Do not cheat. Do not owe anyone anything(which is why I still feel bad about Gobi).

Eve.

2008-07-17T18:20:00.002+08:00

OMG this is wow.

The key to keeping your lady happy.

"Never listen to what a woman says... Watch what she does instead."

Got it off a website, but it pretty much summarises all the lessons I've learned from trashy novels.

LOL I am now prepared to have a girlfriend.

Just need to save up the money for the sex change.

:D :D

Eve.

2008-07-16T01:15:00.002+08:00

I've had long incubation periods before I'm ever ready to get over a ending.

(My backpack is packed and ready for me to be transported to a parallel world's forest still.)

But I'm so productive now! I don't ever wish I wasn't born. It wouldn't be a loss to the world, but at least I'm making myself potential-full. Learning languages, learning to control my body, learning to control the rest of me. :)

Happy!

And sleepless as usual.

Eve.

2008-07-15T23:46:00.002+08:00

I admit it.

I have an addictive personality.

I get addicted to things (my jade pendant), tastes (teh tarik from the nice uncle next to Courts), smells (duh), and states of being (content/lazy).

As such, I decided to have a procedure to deal with my addictions when they go too far beyond endearing eccentricities (this is what Ben is for.)

So.

Wikied the 12 step program. The article listed the following stages:

admitting that one cannot control one's addiction or compulsion;
recognizing a greater power that can give strength;
examining past errors with the help of a sponsor (experienced member);
making amends for these errors;
learning to live a new life with a new code of behavior;
helping others that suffer from the same addictions or compulsions.

I admit to everything. Even crimes that would only be committed if I end up mentally unstable due to, like a miscarriage, and then a hideous crime (one in four prob. that it'll happen to me) is committed on me. And I manage to make myself a force to be reckoned with before all that.

And the greater power is not God but the Fates. I have a weird relationship with destiny - argue with it, and threaten it with my disbelief (HAR-HAR) and knock on wood (or paper) like clockwork. Bet I'm a small joke to them. And there's yoga, now, to teach me how to make myself one with the world which is a gazillion times more powerful than me, and that just keeps giving. Check.

Now, I don't usually have sponsors or mentors. The role models in my life are kind of like Guru. Most will be a beacon of inspiration, but they won't actively teach me anything and they sure as hell hate explaining themselves. But if I go anal on what I know of them with a fine tooth comb, in the end, the knot with be caught, I will be somewhat enlightened and I will desnaggle it into reverent neatness.

I'm a compulsive helper too. Busybodying is a runs in my blood. That's why we have so many lawyers in the family (It's talking too much, loudandfast? A Bagoo. Stuff a laddoo in its mouth - if it's a girl, replace with a tomato).

Point was: I have little problem only with making amends. The people just won't talk to me. Or acknowledge my existence and error and apologetic acts!! I'm stuck, thus. Still. And forever.

Gah.

Goodnight.

Eve.

2008-07-10T23:45:00.001+08:00

I can't believe I'm done. ALREADY. Three months of neglect and I caught up in an hour? GAh.

Eve.

2008-07-10T22:59:00.002+08:00

I'm wondering why I stopped keeping up with my webcomics. I love them! Haha-ing all the way to my bed and tomorrow.

Eve.

Ps I may be lazy when it comes to completing my TEFL units and running and writing, but I've been faithful with my Pimmsler units. And capoeira and my berimbau. And my veggies. :) I'm ok!

2008-07-09T17:36:00.002+08:00

This easygoing style's really working for me. Maybe I'll be able to achieve that goal of eradicating the marks of exhaustion and addiction (see gray undertone to skin and tendency to sensitive Everything - eyes, skin, soul LOL) by august after all. :p I sure am sleeping enough again. :)

Evie Darling.

PS whoever you are, I miss you and I want to talk to you and I only haven't called you because I lost the numbers on my phone. Call me and we'll have tea, and some of my cake, ok? :) Hug.

2008-07-08T18:34:00.002+08:00

I have this regrettable tendency to stress myself out. For example, I set several goals for myself this holiday. I was to buckle down and show some discipline and write something. I was to become really good at capoeira because I was to train and train and train every day.

I was supposed to spend an hour everyday on revision of contract, crim and tort so I wouldn’t be scrambling blind when term started (LOL – no idea what I was thinking when I came up with this).

I was to diversify my skill base – work as a barista, study up to teach English. I was supposed to wake up at 5am every morning to do all this. I was supposed to implement the “My body is a temple” philosophy (almost as harebrained as mugging in the HOLIDAYS).

And it’s July, and obviously I’ve done none of the above. I have caught up on Ugly Betty, I have caught up on Friends, I have caught up on annoying my family. And I’ve more than caught up on stressing myself out worryinga bout my goals.

I’m not saying planning is a bad thing – when something needs to be done, my planning is a fine art that is treasured (or should be. They should worship me. Imbeciles! Fools! LOL) BUT I take it a tad to far. And it’s sneaky. I didn’t realize I was stressing myself out until yesterday, when I couldn’t sleep because I was so worried about the number of hours I’d have to put in to catch up on everything.

Really, all I’d wanted to do when I made that list was make sure I kept occupied this hols, and didn’t think about what happened last year at all. I’m going to keep a watchful eye on my worry wart – it is SO not going to spoil my last month of break.

Couch, here I come.

Eve.

PS Brian Cox is such a wonderful speaker I could listen to him forever.

2008-07-07T21:27:00.002+08:00

I have enough fingers to keep in all my pies.

There’s the capoeira, gym (and now silat ) pie.

There’s the English teaching and barista-lawyer pie.

There’s the baking-healthier eating-yoga-berimbau pie.

There’s the Portuguese, Bahasa, Hindi and English pie.

There’s the dreaming-writing pie (of which only the dreaming) has developed.

I’ve still got 3 fingers left.

No big. Right?

Eve.

2008-07-04T00:12:00.002+08:00

Esta bem. (That's fine)

Comer (to eat)

Vamos! (What the hell are we waiting for?? >> Let's go.)

:):)

Happy and WANTED SO ROCKS I wanna curve the bullet.

I want a gun now.

And $3 mill. So I can quit school and be a rich uneducated slob of a boor muahaha. (Drifts into a dream of joy)

I'd settle for enough money or in kind to get one of the gazillion tech dudes I know to sit down and pay attention long enough to tell me what I'm doing wrong. My career in piracy (or my activities to champion the freedom of all content LOL) is so not taking off. Boo. I'm the only one who hasn't watched the avatar episodes online bwaoohoooohooohooo :(

Choc rush omg.

Eve.

2008-07-02T00:22:00.002+08:00

Didn't realise how little I've blogged this hols!

I've gone and neglected my webcomics too.

But then again, I really piled my plate. I haven't quit at GJ's, but I'm working part time at Daddy's as well (for the textbooks) and I'm studying BP again, got through 5 days so far again, and I'm studying up on soft skills slowly (2 chapters on writing down, a chapter on speaking cleared) and I'm studying to be a EFL teacher so I can find work in Brazil - 2.5 units / 12.5 hours down, another 17.5 units to go.

Trying to write my cv too.

Plus I've been catching up with real life people, improving my berimbau playing, coordinating singing, and silvano tricked me into performing with the pandeiro last sat (only found out I had to actually play it like 20 minutes before we had to go on - I freaked and started practicing straight off :s)

Eve.

2008-07-02T00:05:00.002+08:00

Wishlist

Ankle Weights of up to 5kg each.
Irish flute
Bansuri flute (simple ones - wooden and keyless)
Zither
Viola and Gunga berimbaus
A cloak
Swimming lessons
Sundresses and pretty sandals
"Running" partner
Portuguese-English Dictionary
Hindi Text and dictionary
Sign Language for Dummies
Storybooks (kiddie level) in Italian, Welsh, Irish, Brazilian Portuguese, Swedish, Danish, French, Spanish, Hindi, Telugu, Urdu. (The ones I own, the ones I will put effort into learning. :p no German)

2008-06-22T22:07:00.002+08:00

I've really been avoiding the comp lately - been lazy, been working, been reading, been convinced I can't write anyway.

Got an essay due soon though, so I'll be spending the week online I guess.

Caught a cold yesterday too.

And I lost my roots today.

:s

Eve.

2008-05-25T12:14:00.004+08:00

The reason why I'm so happy to be off coffee (and limiting my expensive meals) and the internet, is because I have of course returned to my love for books. And physical exercise. I don't really run - but I do walk a lot these days.

The internet addicted me - for a while flufffriends was so extremely important to me that I spent hours petting friends for munny (:p), and whatever was written on a particular blog or profile was nerve-wrackingly important.

I blew stuff all out off proportion then because I couldn't keep my perspective.
I don't believe my feelings are dead now, but I'm back to being mostly self-sufficient again. Still a but socially awkward, but I'm working on that.

And I bummed at the library yesterday, just as I used to. No ghosts. It's almost as if this last year never happened :)

Eve.

2008-05-22T18:53:00.004+08:00

I seriously considered shaving my head, but I chickened out yesterday and just got it neatened.

I can shave my head any day. But it takes a lot longer to grow hair down to your butt.

Eve.

2008-05-08T22:57:00.001+08:00

I'm just tired now.

Eve.

2008-05-02T01:12:00.001+08:00

Really enjoyed this article.

Eve.

6 Behaviors that Increase Self-Esteem
by Denis Waitley

Learn more about Denis at: www.DenisWaitleySpecials.com

Following are six behaviors that increase self-esteem, enhance your self-confidence, and spur your motivation. You may recognize some of them as things you naturally do in your interactions with other people. But if you don’t, I suggest you motivate yourself to take some of these important steps immediately.

First, greet others with a smile and look them directly in the eye. A smile and direct eye contact convey confidence born of self-respect. In the same way, answer the phone pleasantly whether at work or at home, and when placing a call, give your name before asking to speak to the party you want to reach. Leading with your name underscores that a person with self-respect is making the call.

Second, always show real appreciation for a gift or complement. Don’t downplay or sidestep expressions of affection or honor from others. The ability to accept or receive is a universal mark of an individual with solid self-esteem.

Third, don’t brag. It’s almost a paradox that genuine modesty is actually part of the capacity to gracefully receive compliments. People who brag about their own exploits or demand special attention are simply trying to build themselves up in the eyes of others — and that’s because they don’t perceive themselves as already worthy of respect.

Fourth, don’t make your problems the centerpiece of your conversation. Talk positively about your life and the progress you’re trying to make. Be aware of any negative thinking, and take notice of how often you complain. When you hear yourself criticize someone — and this includes self-criticism — find a way to be helpful instead of critical.

Fifth, respond to difficult times or depressing moments by increasing your level of productive activity. When your self-esteem is being challenged, don’t sit around and fall victim to “paralysis by analysis.” The late Malcolm Forbes said, “Vehicles in motion use their generators to charge their own batteries. Unless you happen to be a golf cart, you can’t recharge your battery when you’re parked in the garage!”

Sixth, choose to see mistakes and rejections as opportunities to learn. View a failure as the conclusion of one performance, not the end of your entire career. Own up to your shortcomings, but refuse to see yourself as a failure. A failure may be something you have done — and it may even be something you’ll have to do again on the way to success — but a failure is definitely not something you are.

Even if you’re at a point where you’re feeling very negatively about yourself, be aware that you’re now ideally positioned to make rapid and dramatic improvement. A negative self-evaluation, if it’s honest and insightful, takes much more courage and character than the self-delusions that underlie arrogance and conceit. I’ve seen the truth of this proven many times in my work with athletes. After an extremely poor performance, a team or an individual athlete often does much better the next time out, especially when the poor performance was so bad that there was simply no way to shirk responsibility for it. Disappointment, defeat, and even apparent failure are in no way permanent conditions unless we choose to make them so. On the contrary, these undeniably painful experiences can be the solid foundation on which to build future success.

2008-04-19T22:09:00.000+08:00

EXAMS ARE OVER!!!

Watching movies compulsively.

Eve.

2008-04-14T22:54:00.001+08:00

Minute 83: Juno

:) Ok Bleeker's not so bad. :)

Eve

PS. I have time to update because of endless lags.But hey,I got 3 weeks worth of revision in. :s

2008-04-14T22:32:00.002+08:00

minute 70: Juno

All Men Should Just Go To Hell.

I never wanna have a kid. Ever. Lucky for me, I'm prob'ly barren.

Eve.

2008-04-14T22:16:00.002+08:00

Minute 65: Juno.

I hate Bleeker.

I hate males.

Guys SUCK. :(

Eve.

2008-04-11T12:36:00.002+08:00

I have resorted to strange mind games to make myself study. (I have no clue how 'm going to get that deliciously sinful reward I've promised me.)

But I have been good for two hours so I now get a break! :D

10 minutes to blog and mess up a new to do list and check email, then back to mad revision.

I see Prof Smith tmr!

He totally rocks. When I look old enough to gain crone status (at the rate I'm maturing - maybe in 5 years) I wanna be just like him.

So now I need to learn how to perform in front of an audience, tell a story, and pick up a couple of magic tricks.

I already have the accents, wild hair, and broken glasses. :p

Mmm I guess I'll need his love of life and people too.

Got my work cut out for me.

Eve.

2008-04-10T23:54:00.004+08:00

I should SO be OVER this.

I'm writing it here because I hope this will get the doubt out of my head (Pensieve) where it wastes far too much of my time.

I am a strong, smart, pretty female, with an innate sense of the ridiculous, and a good heart. I am worthy of being loved for myself. I need to listen better, but I do know my place and duty.

I have honour and it is worth more than some random male's momentary gratification, or the dubious satisfaction of being a filial child.

I don't have to be perfect, though it's nice to work towards something.

I am definitely lovable.

Eve.

PS. And I'm NOT cutting my hair this time until I've decided what I really want to do with it.

2008-04-06T21:34:00.003+08:00

Mmmm Hell Week is almost over - it's extended through a long weekend I guess. :p

can't wait to start studying! I love tort.

And contract was pretty interesting this sem too....if only I find all my notes...

Eve.

PS. Will Smith ROCKS. And is SO MAN when he rips out the cord in that robot's neck with his BARE HANDS ZOMG!!! *drool*

2008-04-05T13:00:00.003+08:00

I've got only 1 report and 3 exams left.

BGS Report due Mon 7/4/2008 12pm

LAW 105 - Law of Torts [1.50 credits]1:30PM - 4:30PM 14/4/2008 (Mon)

LAW 102 - Contract Law 2 [1.00 credits] 1:30PM - 4:30PM 16/4/2008 (Wed)

MGMT 003 - Business, Government and Society [ 1.00 credits]9:00AM - 12:00PM 19/4/2008 (sa)

And I haven't started studying.

Cramming time.

Countdown - 9 days.

Eve.

2008-04-04T18:41:00.001+08:00

YAY! Only BGS left. I'm so glad - I can now start studying.

Especially since two of the group members refuse to do their bits, so I've only marginally been able to do mine.

I hate groupwork, seriously. I never realised I was such a loner.

Though I loved Tort in every way. The prof, the people, the presentation. Perfect.

Eve.

2008-04-03T14:49:00.004+08:00

From "In Hefnerland" by Martin Amis:

"Now what is it with these girls? The look aspired to is one of the expensive innocence of pampered maidenhood....genetically tuned or souped-up, the skin monotonously perfect, the hair sculpted and plumed; the body-tone at its brief optimum. Compared to these girls, the ordinary woman (the wife, the secretary, the non-goddess) looks lived-in or only half-completed, eccentrically and interestingly human." [emphasis added]

:) I can be happy with that :)

Eve.

2008-04-01T14:51:00.003+08:00

Apparently class participation is a great motivating factor. But discussing the value of the individual
stone salmon is just...funny.

Nth to contribute from this empty, laughing head.

Not all sem..

Eve.

2008-03-30T21:07:00.000+08:00

Bring on HELL WEEK.

I'm ready.

Nonviolent resistance.

Eve.

2008-03-26T14:40:00.003+08:00

I have a work ethic, at least for written assignments. I expect my work to be reliable and clear.

So I don't work efficiently - I spend a lot of time writing and rewriting and rerewriting.

I'm not very smart.

But I used to be able to take pride in my work.

The brief I submitted today was shit.

Seriously.

I am never going to let any group take time away from my work. I'll become the bad group member - the uncooperative difficult beeyatch - I don't care.

I'm never submitting anything that bad again.

Eve.

I'm really, really sleepy now.

2008-03-24T22:39:00.002+08:00

I cannot take this anymore.

SMU has sent me back into depression and the realm of suicide.

I worked so hard to get away form this edge..

Fuck off SMU.

Eve.

2008-03-22T20:20:00.006+08:00

Again, people are asking me if I'm sick because I look tired.

I actually am sick, but it's a sore throat from too much fast food imho. Though lack of sleep has probably contributed to it.

Anyway the website I love so much has just posted an article I also love very much, and I completely and totally agree with them that selflessness, consistency and humility are the defining characteristics true adulthood.

Well, it's a website on how to be a man, but I am trying to get to that same point: being soft, sweet/spicy and pretty is just...not my style. Besides, even then, most women who are like that have men to back 'em up - I don't have one, won't have one - it's only boys who love me (I'm too mommy :s) and so I must be tough gym teacher lady I guess.

Convoluted. But the point is that I'm aiming for those characteristics.

Unfortunately one of my biggest issues is that consistency is conflicting with selflessness(and self preservation). SMU demands a lot. It's an aggro culture. And it uses groups to enhance this.

This last week has been a perfect example of how selflessness doesn't work in smu. Putting youself at the service of every group - ends up with you only being able to prep halfway for every group. They don't play by the same rules as you. Unfortunately.

And my own personal principle is to give, but equally. I'm not going to give 200% when that means two others will not even give 50%, knowing that I would make up the shortfall. It's simple fairness.

I try to give everything I can to what I am doing. My problem is that I am doing too many things at one go - I have only so many hours to share. Even if I chop off exercise, peaceful meals, sleep, pampering time. It's never going to be enough.

I am not better than anyone else, but my decision not to tell any other group which school I'm from is sound. For some reason people think I am "better than them" because I'm from "law school". GAH. I am an ordinary student. Maybe a little less than average. The only people this benefits is them - they push the heavy work onto me - which conflicts self preservation and selflessness. I really don't like telling any group outright "The distribution of work is NOT equitable, you can't push all the written and explaining stuff on to me just because you think I analyse and write better - and that isn't eve true!!!"

And having to do more than my fair share for one group takes away the time I need to do my fair share for another.

That's actually been my biggest problem.

Not just doing more than my fair share - some groups are just so inefficient, your fair share
is waaay more than it should be.

I guess the lesson I learnt this sem is that I am not the people person I thought I was.

I should just stick to my books and my corner. I'll fade out in a couple of decades anyway. But capoeira makes me stronger, more individual and more sociable at the same time. I take care of myself better, I do get confused a lot but a smile and a quick coversation before class is enough to make people more forgiving of your mistakes, and to somehow set the mood for bonding so that we don't waste so much time apologising, and we don't beat
ourselves up so much and spend the time trying to improve.

Capoeira is essential to me...when I compared it to church for my Christian friend, she seemed shocked. I explained it's not a religion or a cult. If I don't go for class, something just feels wrong -off- all week. The weeks when Mestre and Silvano need to attend stuff overseas and they cancel class are really bad.

Anyway, I've been making sweet time with my diary. Scribble scribble rant rant rant list. :p 6 word biography!

I love paper.

I love the end of term in 3 weeks and two days.

I love the fact that the two donuts have sent me so high I'm loving stuff instead of dying over my contract script and totally impossible edited BGS draft. I can't call it a draft 2 when NOBODY bothered to answer my questions on their parts, and NOBODY put in bits relevant to our project, but instead added all the stuff that we specifically decided together not to put in. :S:S:S

And I'm mellow enough to leave it til monday to worry about.

And mellowed enough to accept with zen calm the fact that the kind of man I want really doesn't exist.

Eve

2008-03-18T23:27:00.002+08:00

Apparently my birthday means that I am

"You are curious and a true follower. You can please someone so much that it seem like you are trying to charm that person. You hide your disagreement under your smiling face. This is a charming quality of yours. Your Love, You are quite unlucky in love. You are loved by someone you don't like while your dream person is so far away. Your love life is occasionally under turbulence. Sometimes you don't have the clear view of the guy/gal in your heart."

My strengths are

"Active and self-confident. Their thoughts and sense of humor render them quite popular."

And I am weak because

They get obsessed with ideas and retire when problems grow increasingly serious.

Hmmm.

Eve.

2008-03-18T12:54:00.000+08:00

Somewhere Out There

written by James Horner, Barry Mann, Cynthia Weil

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

2008-03-18T12:36:00.005+08:00

"My Happy Ending"
Avril Lavigne

Ohh, ohh
So much for my happy ending
Ohh, ohh
So much for my happy ending
ohh, ohh,ohhhh

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?

Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead.
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything
That I wanted,(that I wanted)
We were meant to be, supposed to be
But we lost it (we lost it)
All of the memories so close to me
Just fade away

All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
ohh, ohh,
So much for my happy ending
Ohh ohh

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say (they say)
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they (But so are they)
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?(even know you?)
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do (all the shit that you do)

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything
That I wanted (that I wanted)
We were meant to be, supposed to be
But we lost it (we lost it)
All of the memories so close to me
Just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you care
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were through

He was everything, everything
That I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be
But we lost it
All of the memories so close to me
Just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You were everything, everything
That I wanted (that I wanted)
We were meant to be, supposed to be
But we lost it
All of the memories so close to me
Just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

ohh ohh ohh ohh
So much for my happy ending
ohh ohh ohh ohh
So much for my happy ending
ohh, ohh, ohh, ohhhh

I heard this song today, and it perfectly captures what I was feeling last fall. There are so many songs I've heard that I loved (and don't own). Since they don't play on the radio anymore I am going to start posting them if and when they burst in on me.

I have a horrible memory for names of artists and song titles.

I've got a new diary! My faith has been sufficiently restored. May all my whining move there, and more reflective posts be the results. Amen.

Eve

Evarysyn

2008-03-16T21:30:00.001+08:00

2008-03-16T20:22:00.003+08:00

I'm having goal overload.

I'm supposed to do adequately well in law school(approx 60 hours a week), become a better capoeirista (min 2 training sessions, and practice my berimbau twice a week outside class - approx 8 hours a week) and become more active socially(attended a couple of talks, a couple of seminars, helping to organise Pangea Day, and i'm still looking for the info for my teacher training program :( approx 6 hours a week).

I'm supposed to run every other day (progressively increasing distance, and decreasing time), sleep 8.5 hours each night, and write about one interesting thing I learn each week. I'm supposed to also pamper myself with a facial twice a week so I feel girly and worth loving. LOL. I'm supposed to minimise the sweeties and coffee, and maximise the liquid intake (which is working since I got a huge water bottle - I drink it so I don't have to carry it around :P) Supposed to get 6 - 10 servings of veg/fruit a day.

Very few of these things are getting done.

I'm going to class, but I'm always rushing an assignment. I haven't started revision for anything.

I attend my capoeira classes, but I don't run, and I don't get the requisite sleep more than twice a week.

And all this is because I don't know how to manage my teams.

I'm realising this because I rebelled this week. I got 4 full nights of sleep. And my emotions are calm and my work - quality wise - has been MUCH better.

My goals were all made for good reasons and are doable -IF groupwork sticks to its allotted slot. Unfortunately my groups grow into monsters that meet and meet and meet and I can't do anything to convince them to just be effective and stick to one meeting.

Goal for week 11:
I'm going to sleep 8.5 hours per night, drink 2l pure water, have 6 servings of green stuff.

I'm going to complete my BGS report compilation 1 by 2.30pm monday.

I'm going to have a skeletal for my app brief by monday night, and summaries of the cases and a fact sitch by tuesday night. On wednesday, I'll cobble together something reasonable to show prof mohan on thurs.

I'll spend two hours with my contract group on tues after class. We'll hammer out our outline. And I'll complete my section for it by tuesday 10pm.

I'll spend only two very productive hours on LTB on thursday (because of my consult with prof mohan at 2pm, and class after...) By 7pm on thursday I will have completed a printed pretty picture letter for all three of my boys.

My tort report draft will be out tonight, 10.30pm. I'll spend only two more hours on my section, and I'll make it damn good (since I've done the reading and the movie watching).

And that should be all I've got due before friday.

On fri: excursion for darul ihsan. Meeting with LTB group including rehearsal will not exceed 3 hours. Ctt meeting will be efficient (so I have to be damn prepared).

I often think I should really just die. I am a waste of space. I don't want anything and I don't mean anything. Should save the earth's resources just a bit and die.

As Silvano said, though, make my decision and stick to it. I may not be good enough now, but that just means I have to work harder. And if I sleep more, I will get the will to work harder. Strangely.

I can't die, so I have to live, and so I'd better live well. I am as good as anyone else, even her.

I can do this.

Eve.

PS. The list up there was so I don't forget what I'm supposed to do when I'm supposed to do it, just because I lost my to do list.

Guide to getting UN-lost.

2008-03-13T18:09:00.003+08:00

1) Find out where you are.

2) Find out what you have.

3) Figure out where you're going.

4) Decide how you're going to get there.

5) Get moving.

Eve.

2008-03-11T19:55:00.003+08:00

Found a great website that I'm going to wait a while before sharing.

It posts articles about how to be a real man.

And I'm sitting on it for now because I can't believe the articles I am reading - they are so good, so TRUE, that I keep thinking the next article will be something that exposes it for a sham (i.e. it degrades someone, shows an inconsistency, etc)

They're so good I plan to follow them myself. Today's article expressed so clearly something I've been agonising about for sometime. SMU culture is aggressiveness, competitiveness, but I don't think pure aggro is the right way to interpret the vision of the school.

I want to play the game honourably but I don't know what the rules are.

And then I find them on this site. Goldmine.

Eve.

2008-03-07T20:39:00.003+08:00

OMFG.

http://capoeirascience.com/

check out the moves section and wet yourselves, man.

new goal in life.

What's the use of hobbies and kids and love? I'm gonna learn that.

*drool*
Eve.

Dear Diary,

2008-03-06T14:13:00.005+08:00

I think I'd fight harder for animal rights if I had animal rights too, honestly. The following are (my) rights that are infringed everyday on this sunny island:

Adequate rest! or time away from "work" work. 8 hours is not supposed to be a luxury. How come they have "eat two fruits and two veg a day" and "keep fit" campaigns but not "get enough sleep" campaigns?? I think the last is more important, seriously. I get moody and suicidal when I run low on sleep for a prolonged period. Or sociopathical. (I want knives!!!!)

Respect for my personal space! No wonder we get such bad service - the longer I spend on the morning commute on the mrt, the lighter my trigger gets. People shoving into me, squishing their way in so they can have enough space, but forcing me to imitate the grand green old ladies whose bent backs and branches have a stability I cannot seem to achieve. I'll go berserk one day, I swear. And the service sector needs to smile and serve other pissed off people whose patience was pushed to the limit on public transport too. Maybe even the person who'd pushed them. No wonder, really.

Affordable greens. It is still cheaper to get a doublecheeseburger than a small bowl of boiled veggies. (which is what my yong tau fu is now reduced to.)

Shelters at traffic lights. We get so much rain, I don't know why the gah men don't go waste some of their ridiculously large surplus on small plastic shelters (rectangles about the size of the shiny metal tables at amk library) so people don't have to run from the safety if the nearest block, across the road. Given the bad habits of Singaporean drivers, who will do their best to squeeze in between pedestrians crossing when the GREEN MAN is ON to get to the all important appointments they so clearly have, pedestrians bursting out from the nearest shelter to sprint across the road are probably accidents just waiting to happen.

Eve.

PS I hung up on you because I'm not going to waste time talking to you when my time is limited and you clearly are just filling time until your more important appointment.

I am, after all, a being lost to decency and honor.

Dear Diary,

2008-03-04T23:49:00.002+08:00

Apparently I really need regular cuddles.

I'm working on suppliers and quotations and stuff right now.

Affection is a precondition to cuddling.

I also should grow up a bit.

Eve.

Dear Diary,

2008-03-03T23:22:00.003+08:00

Don't think it's possible to have yet more apathy for anything. Always felt it was one of those boolean thingies - either you are apathetic or you aren't? But I could be wrong again.

There are a lot of people I talk to. There are very, very few I can really talk with. Unfortunately, I just can't pick these people. And they have this tendency to all need much space. Then again, so do I.

The problem is, I can't really control what they do. I don't even know half the time. And I'm seriously disempowered - I don't want to.

I just don't like being made to bleat (bad play!) for them.

I don't backstab. If I grumble, I would do it to your face. Show it and see.

But I'm going to get some sleep.

Falling down escalators 3 times in one afternoon hurts.

Ouch.

Eve.

Dear Diary,

2008-02-25T15:48:00.005+08:00

How ironic, that men who would be quick to diassocite themselves from him say pretty much the same thing.

Hashemi Rafsanjani, President of the Islamic Republic, of Iran ...

"Equality does not take precedence over justice. Justice does not mean that all laws must be the same for men and women. One of the mistakes the Westerners make is to forget this. The difference in the stature, vitality, voice, development, muscular quality and physical strength of men and women show that men are stronger and more capable in all fields. Men's brain are bigger so men are more inclined to fight and women are more excitable. Men are inclined to reasoning and rationalism, while women have a fundamental tendency to be emotional. The tendency to protect is stronger in men, where as most women like to be protected. Such differences affect the delegation of responsibilities, duties, and rights."

Eve.

Dear Diary,

2008-02-24T11:20:00.003+08:00

I spent my Saturday keeping a friend company at Interesthink while waiting for Dhan's birthday party (seriously fun, bathrobe and all!). It was...interesting.

I expected that :p But honestly, I thought there would be more people there - never having attended one of these conferences, I envisioned sth more along the lines of the UN MDG event last hols.

I was surprised! The people were interesting, and some gave me a lot of food for thought. One woman asked me if I blogged. "Not really" -

I really don't. These days, blogging is not about having just a weblog. The essence is people read you.

And I don't really want anyone to read what I write here. A lot of people use their blogs as online diaries that all their friends read, but I'm just not one of those. I just don't want my sister or mother snooping through my diary.

Plus, typing stuff out here takes away the secrecy somehow. So if they do read it it feels like less of an invasion.

Anyway, three things out of all the *interesting* (:p) speeches I heard yesterday:

1. Mr Larry Francis spoke on music as something of a taboo in the Islamic world. News to me, so I was interested. He spoke on ethnomusicology - again, another extremely interesting, new thing that I was unaware of. Something to read up on if I run out of stuff.

2. Mr Alex Au spoke on how we (society) are (is) the trap that keeps transgenders and women in the position to be abused. If we were more open, more accepting of people with such a past, then they would not be so trapped.. Hmm.

3. CPF is screwed up. That's why I'm migrating. ;D

Eve.

2008-02-22T21:29:00.001+08:00

If you're wanting to know - I'll be abed most of this next week.

Or I'll be scribbling.

Or I'll be feeding my scribblebox.

Cheers,
Eve.

2008-02-17T23:45:00.002+08:00

Just watched my first Indian Instrumental Ensemble type of concert. It was surprisingly good! And there was eye candy. Not much - the performers looked so young! One of the vocalists I could SWEAR was 13. Omg.

But I do like it. And I do like the percussion. Sigh...to be a tai tai and have nothing to do but take classes...languages, dance, yoga and now, instruments.

Come marry me, rich man! :p with nice, strong arms, eyes I can get lost in, a delicious lopsided smile and a wonderful, warm heart. And, most important - wit and humour....I'd better get back to my assignment. :p

Eve.

2008-02-17T12:07:00.002+08:00

Ok, I know of very very gross videos of slaughterhouses that exist.

I like the taste of meat.

Recently, I've eaten a lot of meat.

My only excuses:

1. Halal meat is slaughtered humanely (tell me if this is not true!)
2. I haven't actually seen the videos, and I'm not sure if they are relevant to halal meat.
3. If I went veg, I'd probably go to a extreme, so I need to be very very convinced.

Plus I really really don't want to restrict myself like that. I'd rather at least eat fish, too. I'd rather eat everything in moderation like I do now, but I'd be compelled to try go veg if I found out the truth.

Tell me if those videos apply to me, if you know.

Eve.

On a side note: great party! Thank you all for coming, and all the wishes. I'm now working on my real plans for my real year. Namely, sleep, run, and work properly. The first day tells you what will happen the rest of the year, no?

2008-02-16T13:48:00.000+08:00

New Idol! Sonu Nigam. :D

God, so cute.

Eve.

2008-02-14T14:02:00.002+08:00

The Bean of Calabar, also known as the Ordeal Bean. (Physostigma venenosum) It is a member of the pea family and contains physostigmine, a powerful poison. In West Africa, a test of truth telling was to eat half a bean and survive, though the lethal dose seems to be a quarter bean. I wonder if Africans are more hardy? Or did no one survive (like the test of water or fire for witches)?

Eve.

2008-02-10T19:50:00.000+08:00

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of the routine of school. Soon the point will come when I will cease to feel ridiculously guilty for skipping class - right now the main reason why I don't skip is my very strong desire not to be the freeloader in the group. But smu groups expect a ridiculous level of commitment from you. There are too many groups, people, for you to give 110% for all of them. And quite honestly, it's not all worth it.

I'm just drained. As in, I waste too many good concentration hours in group meetings. If I'm going to study, I'm going to study.

I'm still working on draft effing 1.5 of my essay, due this wed (20%), because I'm so blur I can't figure out what I am missing. And if I can't figure it out I can't fit it in. And I can't figure it out because I spent way too much time prepping for my ungraded (GROUP) progress report presentation for tmr morning, and on my 5% leader presentation (GROUP) for tmr afternoon. And on my part of the 10% essay (GROUP) due 10am Tuesday.

And I know if I go blur as I am I won't be much good at the actual presenting, no matter how much I prepped.

Fuck. Think I'll let my brain sleep tonight. Finish the group crap and go to bed at 9.

I'll work on my real essay tmr.

Eve.

PS. What I really want to do, right now, is just pack up a bag and walk off. Walk until there's nothing left but me and the wind. But I'd have to bring my passport for that...Singapore's too crowded.

2008-02-08T12:24:00.000+08:00

Sweeney Todd is BLOODY. And so devoid of hope - the was nothing in the bleak ending to suggest that they could have a happy ending, any of them. What did Joanna do? Live happily ever after? How could she, after living in that asylum, after seeing her father, a murderer? Knowing later that her father had killed her mother, that he had slaughtered customers who may been innocent of any evil, on the premise that everyone deserves to die? (Why not just kill his fool self?) That he had knowingly allowed that sick woman to feed these victims of his to others? (I feel my gorge rising - excuse me.)

I watched it on wed night, and that was the first time I wished I was watching the movie with someone other than me.

I ended up singing the mournful songs all the way home. Or the 4 lines I remembered, anyway. The melancholy is still with me.

I've had a billion violent moments. And I, in dreaming of being a woman strong in every way, do covet those blades of his - I think the only weapons I'd be good with are knives. Or maybe the quarterstaff.

I'm working on my fitness, but I really do like my sweets too much. My belly will never be defined - more like soft and comfy.

But I can actually do more now than I could a year ago. I am improving in fitness. I still can't walk on my hands but I'm working on it.

Now that I'm improving in that sense, the only thing I have to work on is my demeanor. I want to exude assurance. Not fullness of my self. :S I'm not all that great. But I do need to make people stop thinking I'm kiddy. I've got pretty girls who are much younger than me who think I'm younger than them...I'm not a child! (so there :p)

I was walking home after getting prata yesterday. Listening to my ipod. And a bunch of foreign workers - Indians - were at the crossing. I walked faster than them, and I played my music loud, but they were taking shortcut through my estate. They walked behind me all the way, until I turned in to my house. And I was scared.

My hand shook so much I couldn't close the gate properly and I did not dare look up. SO damn scared of catching the eye of perfectly ordinary human.

For no reason, too. I heard them call out something a couple of times through the blare, but they may have just been rowdy. Probably weren't addressing themselves to me at all.

I heard a story - unsubstantiated gossip - about a robbery. The robbers threatened the man - if he did anything against them, they knew not only where he lived (DUH) but what time his kids went to school, what time his wife came back home. They'd watched his house. And they'd pay him back.

And it's unsubstantiated. But I was still scared.

So that's why I'm working on my self assurance. I'm scared. And fear is what predators scent, ya?

I've often wished I had a set of knives. Because I could have ignored them if I'd been armed. I would have been able to walk with my head up, unhurried. And I would have been fine either way, only I'd have felt better about myself.

And I'm cutting my hair soon. I don't care if braids are pretty, it's a liability.

Eve.

2008-02-07T18:26:00.000+08:00

I've said before and I'll say again - I think the cure for chronic loneliness lies in just treating other people as people. We don't do that these days - we don't have the time to care.

It's draining if they don't reciprocate, but you'd be surprised how many people respond to a smile.

And I still believe it is easier to get someone to see your side, if you're willing to see theirs and be reasonable.

Could use a hug, though.

Eve.

2008-02-05T20:02:00.000+08:00

Money attracts money. That's how the rich get richer, yes?

Luck attracts luck. True, because they believe luck will come to them and make good gambles.

Does love attract love too? What kind of love? Self love? I agree with that. People who love themselves can be loved - those who don't don't show the good traits to others, and may find love more difficult to accept. IMHO. But if you love yourself too much you do block out other people to the point that you don't really accept their love - lov is a give and take kind of thing, isn't it?

Aaah whatever. Got to do homework now.

Tata! (young.)
Eve.

2008-02-02T21:24:00.000+08:00

I'm having a birthday party on the 16th of Feb, 7pm. If you wanna come call or email me, preferably by the 9th, but a couple of days before will do.

I made a list of people to invite (but lost it) and then I discovered that a lot of the people I thought I'd invited had not really been asked. So. I have a terrifyingly thin grasp on reality. You are welcome, all, and I did NOT forget you on purpose! Got three deadlines that same week, and a couple due the week before. So please, just tell me. :)

It will be dinner at my home, and the food shall be mostly home cooked unless a lot more people than I anticipate turn up. In which case, you should have told me and will have to, sadly content yourself with whatever there is left, or pizza and sandwiches if my mother becomes frazzled and really does run out of food. The house can hold 70 to 90, accounting for the number of very thin girls I know, but you guys are not all free so we're cooking for 50 for now... that's why I'd like to be informed :)

I love you all. *muackz*
-----------------------------------------

Wishlist

[NO MORE JEWELRY please, unless you've got metal armbands engraved with a panther and dragon like I dream. I wear two necklaces already - I have ten too many when I never take off the two. You are special and I will appreciate your gift BUT there is no way I can wear it so :( we'd both be sad.]

- A nice spacious sturdy backpack that will not die for 5 or 6 years like that beloved slingbag munee got me when I was fifteen, and which sadly passed on last year. Said bag must be able to withstand the weight and edges of about 3 textbooks, various notebooks, my capoeira uniform/running shoes and shorts, and a towel.

- A sturdy shoebag like the SMUSA gave out for FTB 2007. :( Which broke because of Jill Poole's casebook. Also mourned.

- A set of light weights

- A set of those weights you wrap around your ankles

- A really gorgeous mostly plain calf-length deep purple cap-sleeved dress with a vee-neck. (or the name of a tailor who can make that - this has been my wish for years)

- Lessons in video editing and photoshop that I can redeem in the june holidays ^_^

- Lessons in portuguese, italian, spanish, gaelic, japanese, indonesian, or teaching english, that I can also redeem when it is convenient

- A set of really cool knives like they talk about in the books or a quarterstaff (see matrim cauthon - wheel of time)

- Swimming lessons with a teacher and in a place where I won't be miserably self conscious and embarassed. I know it's stupid. I like water, but I hate people looking at me even cursorily in a swimsuit and I'll be too scared to enjoy the sea until I can swim. So.

- Money, or funding for capoeira, is always going to be welcome. Lessons are getting a bit expensive so I'd appreciate a sponsor for a batizado or workshop.

- A cape! Like Batman.

- A couple of lessons in hair styling and simple makeup. I don't want to be nervous because of my lack of polish the next time I need to present. Or go to a wedding. Gone are the days when being clean and wearing a passable dress was sufficient to go without remark, sadly.

- For the poorer ones (this year is going to wear very thin on my pocket too): unlined notebooks, cool pens, a wide black or brown belt with a glittery/shiny buckle. cool junk in any form - I collect Things. A math book, or one in basic physics, because I'm beginning to crave a question to which there is a right answer. Or a book that was on the bestseller list this last year - I haven't even read Life of Pi, or the Curious Incident. Or a book. I like to read. :)

This list is hardly exhaustive. Just to get you off the track of shiny expensive stuff. :)

Eve.

2008-01-29T23:37:00.001+08:00

I'm a psycho. I don't know why I do this to myself, but I still do it. Great.

Ben, if you don't reply I'm calling your mommy tmr morning. :(

Eve.

2008-01-27T20:19:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the kind of girl that was made for love.

It's silly. The beliefs I hold on love are pretty well developed, and everyone is made for love. You don't need any special characteristics - you're just lovable. Even if you're difficult or not very nice to some people, there's always another person you are kind to.

The only people for whom love does not work are the people who REALLY don't want love.

I'm reading Steppenwolf now. In it, he says a truth : even if there were people who wanted to love him, he drove them away. Until all he had was people who liked him, maybe sympathised with him, but did not love him.

I want to be loved. But not by my family, they will have to be left behind. I cannot be myself with them - I am too different. And I don't change easily. In some ways, I cannot change at all barring divine (LOL) intervention.

Does rejecting their love mean I am rejecting all love? Not to me. I don't reject their love. They don't know me, and have never known me. They cannot love me, if they never knew me - you have to love someone knowing all of them that you can know, ya?

Oh well. Rushing two summaries and a proposal. Even though I started both a week ago they are still somehow not finished. :'(

I hate smu. It's a very large smudge on the window of my life.

Eve.

2008-01-26T11:53:00.000+08:00

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.--Einstein

Ok, there. That's why I ask all the questions, man. No reason more compelling than mere curiousity. How does it smell? Taste? What does he look like? What goes on in her fashionably styled, expertly painted cranium? What about in that kid's?

I want to be a kid forever. I love them. They are bold in their innocence and brave and fearless. They want the truth, they get it. They don't like it? They bawl, eat a sweetie, and go find another truth to badger out of its oblivion. Even made up stories are truths in their own right.

If I want a hug, I'll take it, instead of obsessing over whether I'll be pushed. If they push me? I'll kick 'em. Sothere.

Anyway everyone wants a hug. Hah!

Eve.

2008-01-23T17:57:00.000+08:00

I love my friends. Trouble is, I have too many. Competing loyalties. :(

Eve.