Saturday, March 22, 2008
Again, people are asking me if I'm sick because I look tired.
I actually am sick, but it's a sore throat from too much fast food imho. Though lack of sleep has probably contributed to it.
Anyway the website I love so much has just posted an article I also love very much, and I completely and totally agree with them that selflessness, consistency and humility are the defining characteristics true adulthood.
Well, it's a website on how to be a man, but I am trying to get to that same point: being soft, sweet/spicy and pretty is just...not my style. Besides, even then, most women who are like that have men to back 'em up - I don't have one, won't have one - it's only boys who love me (I'm too mommy :s) and so I must be tough gym teacher lady I guess.
Convoluted. But the point is that I'm aiming for those characteristics.
Unfortunately one of my biggest issues is that consistency is conflicting with selflessness(and self preservation). SMU demands a lot. It's an aggro culture. And it uses groups to enhance this.
This last week has been a perfect example of how selflessness doesn't work in smu. Putting youself at the service of every group - ends up with you only being able to prep halfway for every group. They don't play by the same rules as you. Unfortunately.
And my own personal principle is to give, but equally. I'm not going to give 200% when that means two others will not even give 50%, knowing that I would make up the shortfall. It's simple fairness.
I try to give everything I can to what I am doing. My problem is that I am doing too many things at one go - I have only so many hours to share. Even if I chop off exercise, peaceful meals, sleep, pampering time. It's never going to be enough.
I am not better than anyone else, but my decision not to tell any other group which school I'm from is sound. For some reason people think I am "better than them" because I'm from "law school". GAH. I am an ordinary student. Maybe a little less than average. The only people this benefits is them - they push the heavy work onto me - which conflicts self preservation and selflessness. I really don't like telling any group outright "The distribution of work is NOT equitable, you can't push all the written and explaining stuff on to me just because you think I analyse and write better - and that isn't eve true!!!"
And having to do more than my fair share for one group takes away the time I need to do my fair share for another.
That's actually been my biggest problem.
Not just doing more than my fair share - some groups are just so inefficient, your fair share
is waaay more than it should be.
I guess the lesson I learnt this sem is that I am not the people person I thought I was.
I should just stick to my books and my corner. I'll fade out in a couple of decades anyway. But capoeira makes me stronger, more individual and more sociable at the same time. I take care of myself better, I do get confused a lot but a smile and a quick coversation before class is enough to make people more forgiving of your mistakes, and to somehow set the mood for bonding so that we don't waste so much time apologising, and we don't beat
ourselves up so much and spend the time trying to improve.
Capoeira is essential to me...when I compared it to church for my Christian friend, she seemed shocked. I explained it's not a religion or a cult. If I don't go for class, something just feels wrong -off- all week. The weeks when Mestre and Silvano need to attend stuff overseas and they cancel class are really bad.
Anyway, I've been making sweet time with my diary. Scribble scribble rant rant rant list. :p 6 word biography!
I love paper.
I love the end of term in 3 weeks and two days.
I love the fact that the two donuts have sent me so high I'm loving stuff instead of dying over my contract script and totally impossible edited BGS draft. I can't call it a draft 2 when NOBODY bothered to answer my questions on their parts, and NOBODY put in bits relevant to our project, but instead added all the stuff that we specifically decided together not to put in. :S:S:S
And I'm mellow enough to leave it til monday to worry about.
And mellowed enough to accept with zen calm the fact that the kind of man I want really doesn't exist.
Eve
Labels: plan, random stuff, smusucks