I had another talk loaded with meaning today.

I try too hard to fit in. I was to just chill.

And I should not always go to people, I should let them come to me sometimes.

I should know that its best to rely on yourself. At the end of it all, you’ll at least have that.

I should not always state things. Like, I want to get drunk or I need a boyfriend. People take gigantic steps back when need shows.

There’s also no point in getting depressed. Because that takes time away from fixing it. Waste sucks. Yes?

Well.

I think that sums it up.

Now.

I think I really need lessons in socializing. I know the basics for movies and lunches. Dinner and drinks? I don’t.

I generally felt that my silence was selfish because I just sat there and absorbed, giving nothing back. But waiting til my thoughts are ripe really would be best.

I never believe that people will come to me. But then, I’m generally happy with my books. I think I’ll go back to them. I am what I am, and that part at least does not have to change.

And I had this dumb idea in my head (I didn’t realize I still carried it around) that if I don’t state what I want to happen it won’t. Damn stupid. The world knows what it knows.

And some people are precious to me. I’m always so afraid I may not be so to them. But now I realize, that what I did with him. He is still important to me and I know I’m nothing to him, but I’m okay. It only messes me up when I’m already messed up like at exam time.

My problem now, with being the real me is that I have been thrown into situations Ihave no preparation for. For example. I have a number of ideas on how to deal with a demon, a rapist, a lack of funds, or the loss of a home. I prepared. But I have no idea how one behaves at a party. (I don’t have a clue about holidays with friends either. That might be a problem. I’m going on one in two weeks.) I’m beginning to deal. I grow more silent, as is my natural state unless I’m hyped on caffeine and sugar, and chattering out my usual thoughtless trash. But I hope I haven’t spoiled it.

And the fact that people step back once you show need? That sucks. I didn’t know. I don’t. I mean, there are a lot of people I just spend hours talking to – cluster mates and such – because they seem to need it. But I know now.

That’s what I’m finding most difficult to accept, actually. The world is not very nice when everyone walks around with walls around our most secret selves. We manipulate others into giving us what we need, because simply showing it or asking for it would cause them to back off. Deceit wins out over honesty.

And I’m a bit confused. They have told me I’m a nice person and they just want to see me. Not who I think they want (Another major mistake. I had the sheer gall to think that I could know what they want and give it to them. I had no idea what they want. Still don’t actually. But if they dislike the silence, well. Too bad. That really is me.)

But we don’t really show people our selves. So how can they see who I am?

But anyway. This is just so I don’t forget. I have an exam in a day. *gasp*

I can chew over this later. He doesn’t end exams until 30^th anyway. So I can’t ask for clarification til then.

In other news…I washed my hair in a sink today, and gave myself a towel scrub (can’t think of what else to call it). And I saw him (a different him, this…no one can sue me for anything if I never use names yes?) emerging from the other restroom. A bit surprised. I was nervous enough to drop my phone because I was struggling to zip my jacket. (I don’t know why I thought I could wear that top in public. I’m still too conservative.) He somehow has the power to make my fingers extremely clumsy.

Don’t know why I wanted to write that down except…it still stings that he will speak to all save me about banal things. I did show him need though. So I guess that was enough to cause him to run! Lol.

Haha done now. So remind me to write about why I no longer want a boyfriend sometime, if I don’t remember myself. This stuff’s therapeutic.

Love,

Eve

PS. I’ve noticed. I keep going around this need issue. I hate the thought that I am essentially alone, as is everyone else. I want us all to be one big happy family… but I guess I have accepted it on some levels. Why else the financial anxiety?

Labels: advice, to think about