Friday, January 26, 2007
It's a tiny thing, but it made me realise how insubstantial most of my world is. Books and dreams - interpretations that may make sense only to me, and which I never really share.The Internet - posting, reading, sharing and being - but on a level that can disappear on the whim of another person - just a few clicks can delete a post that meant something to me, reasons beyond my ability to fathom end up dooming sites I once depended on, communities can be reset and virtual friends (real in their support) potentially lost. My imagination (quite separately from dreaming) - happily embellishes the world around me anytime it feels like it, which is quite often. I may not be able to draw write animate or sing out my feelings and experience for other people but my worldview is pretty colourful most of the time, and can get as dramatic as the scenes in X-men (given my propensity for drama) - but with far less actual damage.But my sanity! When sth that had an effect on me simply disappears, how I panic and wonder if I imagined it all, -wonder if I truly am losing the ability to separate fantasy from reality, -because my penchant for embellishment means that I can live a scene or moment a million times over and in a million different ways. And now I'm wondering if I really had written what I wrote yesterday, posted that single line in a fit of pique, and panicked because there was no option to edit or remove it. And now it's gone I do not feel better, I feel worse, and have no idea what I should do about it - if I wrote it, I'd have to ask the person who logically must have removed it if he did do so, and that would mean actually talking to him about that potentially shameful remark. If I didn't he'd want to know what I'd wrote, not knowing what it was about and I am not good at lying without extensive preparation.And yet I remember writing it! Which is worst of all, I remember the whole thing but if it did not happen - and I have no actual proof it did, since I went to check and it WASN'T THERE...You probably think I am insane for making such a mountain out of that one five word comment but unfortuntely, I think it's a sign of the onset of insanity.Seeing things that aren't there. Hallucination/Delusion.A symptom of the following psychotic disorders:- less common possible causes:
Okay. So I am crazy. Haha...but it is not possible to know that you are crazy so I am not? Bu if I don't think I am then I muight be...oh hell.I have been scarred more than I thought by my poor Aunty Kat.Well, at least you know to be on your guard when I'm around...if I start acting weird, I really won't blame you if you stick a stake in me.Wait, that's for vamps.Well, I won't blame you anyway...Eve.